Cosmo's "Sexy Issue" Does Helen Gurley Brown Proud

This month’s Cosmo is “The Sexy Issue,” meaning that after months of tough investigative reporting and cerebral cultural criticism, Cosmo is finally going to address what we truly care about: “his most dirty-licious fantasies.”

These fantasies — helpfully printed on punch-out cards for you to take to bed with you — are actually fairly tame (example: “We’ve just been to a wedding, and we look pretty damn elegant . . .”). But that’s okay, because sex in the Sexy Issue isn’t just for fun, it’s also a tool. Sex can help you lose weight (try reverse-cowgirl for maximum calorie-burning) and it can help you secretly find out if a guy is on the rebound (if he spoons you too much, he’s not over his ex, and will probably never love you). Helen Gurley Brown may be gone from Cosmo, but it’s still about her three favorite things: sex, being skinny, and manipulating men. So put on those wedding clothes, hook your guy up to his lie detector, and settle in for our version of this month’s cover lines — we burned 40 calories writing them.