Game of Boners: Oh, Hey! It's Whale Rider!


Last night’s episode of Game of Thrones, “Sons of the Harpy,” was one of those episodes. You know, one of the ones where everything is going along swimmingly and then, BOOM, a fan favorite is dead. And guess what? I’m GLAD.

So far, season five has been all about talking and planning and while I like to see Margaery and Cersei trade barbs as much as the next person, I tend to think that this show is at its best during times of real action. Consider that the series’ most iconic moments have nearly all come as surprises—the Red Wedding; the Purple Wedding; the capturing, escape and recapturing of Theon Greyjoy. If Game of Thrones has taught us anything, it’s this: The people of the Seven Kingdoms plan, George R.R. Martin and the Game of Thrones showrunners laugh.

The possible deaths of Grey Worm and Ser Barristan the Bold at the hands of the Sons of the Harpy is only their latest joke.

Of course, we’re not entirely sure if Grey Worm and Ser Barristan are dead (they could just be mortally wounded), but I have more hope for Grey Worm’s recovery than I do for Selmy. (Ian McElhinney, the actor who plays Ser Barristan, is giving interviews that suggest that his time on the show has come to a close.)

It’s not just the Sons of the Harpy who are finally mobilizing. Even outside of Meereen, people are attempting to grab their fates by the horns and/or The Red Woman’s boobs. The Sand Snakes (including Whale Rider’s Keisha Castle-Hughes!) are ready to go to war with the Lannisters, Jaime—absolutely killing it with the fake hand jokes this episode—is in Dorne with Bronn to rescue Myrcella, and Jorah has captured Tyrion to get back in Dany’s good graces. Then of course there’s Cersei, who’s finally ready to hit back at Margaery for all those wine jabs last week. Margaery might be queen now, but Cersei’s still Queen Bitch, something she proves by siccing the Sparrows—newly Charles Manson’d up—on Ser Loris. (Turns out that, like a lot of religious cults, the Sparrows are very compassionate…until it comes to gay people.) Your move, Margaery.

Meanwhile, the Starks are doing what the Starks do best: preening and contemplating. Sansa is home at Winterfell being double creeped on by Littlefinger and Ramsay Bolton. Jon is swooning about at the Wall, trying to decide whether or not to join Stannis in their attack to reconquer the North. Melisandre does his best to persuade him using her (admittedly) glorious tits and a little over-the-pants hand job action, but Jon is still to heartbroken over Ygritte to give in. Wise move, Jonny. If I remember correctly, the last dude to hook up with the Red Woman got a leech put directly on his wiener.

Let’s hope they keep up this pace (and high death count) into episode 5. “Sons of the Harpy” is the first time this season that I didn’t experience GoT like it was an annoyingly long pre-show that I had to watch to get to Veep. I guess what I’m trying to say is KILL ALL THE CHARACTERS, every last one.

Nudity Count

BOOBS: Hectic brothel scenes always make this hard to count, but I counted eight boobs (give or take) throughout the episode.

BUTTS: Again, hard to count. Two…ish.

PUSSY: Two…ish.

DONG: Two! Not on any of the fellas that you’d want to see stripped down, but, hey, beggars can’t be choosers.

DEATHS: Again, too many to get an accurate count on. There were three possible deaths during the Sparrow’s brothel raid, four soldiers of Dorne killed by Jaime and Bronn, one man killed with a spear to the head by Whale Rider, several Sons of the Harpy dead, several Unsullied dead, one Ser Barristan dead (probably) and one dead (probably not!) Grey Worm.

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