Gisele Bündchen’s Attractive Jiu-Jitsu Instructor Returns

Earlier this summer, my childhood best friend offered to pick me up from the LAX airport—notoriously the armageddon of airports—and I nearly fell in love with her. Perhaps my bar is on the floor, but a gesture like that feels more than kind and selfless to me—it’s downright romantic. You can copy-and-paste the city, but the nature of the offering remains the same: Picking someone up from the airport is the easiest way to say “I love you” and perhaps a gateway into saying “I want to have your babies.” And that is how I know that whatever is going on between Gisele Bündchen and her jiu-jitsu instructor is far deeper than friendship.

Early Friday morning, at approximately 4:45 am (!!!) to be exact, TMZ spotted the divorced supermodel arriving into Miami International after a vacation in her native Brazil. Photos of the moment show Gisele throwing her bags into the back of a mystery man’s pickup and hopping in the front seat—and a closer look at the grainy photos of the driver reveals none other than Joaquim Valente, Bündchen’s longtime personal jiu-jitsu trainer and rumored boo post-Tom Brady.

Though Bündchen has previously denied that she and Valente are dating, claiming instead that they are close friends and that Valente has also trained her kids, the absurdly attractive duo has been spotted a few a too many times together for this to be platonic, in my non-expert opinion. Post-divorce from Tom Brady, the pair were spotted together in Costa Rica in November of last year, on a horseback ride in January, on another Costa Rica stroll in March, and tossing a frisbee on the beach later that month. Either this man has transitioned to a full time personal assistant role, is not into women, or they are fucking, and I am betting all my money on the third.

Now, I know Gisele has clearly been through a chaotic year between her divorce from the quarterback and her new single life being examined under a microscope by tabloids (and sometimes, by me). She’s been dealing with lawyers and custody questions and lengthy Vanity Fair profiles. She’s had to reorient her entire life, and here we are, stuck on a hamster wheel gossiping about the shirtless jiu-jitsu instructor. But I swear, I just want this woman to be happy!!! And if this man is picking her up at the airport at ungodly hours and joining her on horseback rides, I suspect she is.