Happy 56th Birthday to Brad Pitt, Some Man Who Has Been in Some Movies People Probably Saw
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Brad Pitt is a dude who has been in some movies. One of them is about a sexy spy couple who are into various stealth-related kinks. I like when it plays on repeat when I’m watching cable television late at night! He was also in a movie about some jewel thieves. Gold thieves? Maybe they stole art, or cars. I can’t remember! But my dad likes that movie, and I guess I do too. If I’m not mistaken, he was also in a movie about a massive ship that sinks, where two people have sex on a floating door or something? And then there’s the one where Julia Roberts is pretty and a woman. That’s also a good Brad Pitt movie. Oh, and I can’t forget my favorite—I think it involved a cussing Pikachu that was also a detective? He was so believable and charming in that movie!
Besides great films, Brad Pitt has also given the internet plenty to gossip about. He has forty seven secret children with Jennifer Aniston, multiple affairs with Justin Theroux, and a hot and cold divorce with Angelina Jolie. He’s sometimes dating Alia Shawkat, or Harvard professors, or spiritual gurus. Sometimes, he’s probably dating Leonardo DiCaprio too. Half of Hollywood is pregnant by him, or at least, pregnant with the thought of him. If you scraped some dirt off the sidewalks and stitched it together with the refuse strung along the Hollywood Walk of Fame, it’d probably take the shape of Brad Pitt. He’s the quintessential Los Angeles man! And now it’s his birthday, and he is 56.
Happy Birthday, Brad Pitt. You might be getting older, but teens can still watch you in the sinking ship movie and think: “Huh, he’s still kind of hot!” I’m sure your teeth will stay as white as ever, and the film roles only more lucrative and high profile from here. Eventually your divorce will be settled, but the affairs and fights and secret love children will continue for decades in the tabloids. Perhaps this time next year you will have a goatee, or maybe shoulder length hair, or maybe a buzz cut, or maybe you will be bald. The only thing that can be known is that you, me, and everyone else are getting older, each and every day. But especially today—because today’s your birthday! [Hollywood Life]
What counts as “getting hoodwinked?” For me, its the hours and hours and hours of my life that have been wasted scrolling through Twitter arguments between nerds about Star Wars. For Lori Loughlin, its purchasing the dubious services of a man who asks you to lie to higher education institutions so your daughter can shill Amazon products in a USC dorm room. Everyone has their own interpretation!
After some silence this last week from Aunt Becky’s ever-reliable “sources,” People now reports that the onetime Hallmark fixture claims that she, in fact, is the actual victim. According to one tipster: “Lori was hoodwinked by Rick Singer. There’s no other way to put it. She was convinced that she was making a donation, just like parents have been doing for years.” The source continues:
“She did not have any intent to do something illegal, and in fact she thought she was doing the right thing. That’s why she hasn’t pleaded guilty; frankly, she believes that she is innocent and that the evidence shown in court will prove that. Unfortunately, it seems as though the prosecution is hell-bent on making examples out of people, and not playing fair.”
Everyone, wave to this source, who definitely does not sound like Aunt Becky or anyone affiliated with Aunt Becky, like a publicist! Also, documents were filed by her attorney Sean Berkowitz last Friday that accuse the federal government of “concealing exculpatory evidence”—evidence that would prove Aunt Becky’s hoodwinking hypothesis. Sounds like things are finally getting exciting! [People]
Emily Gordon: “My husband is a buff gamer.”