Meeting your partner’s parents for the first time is notoriously stressful. But if you keep a few tips in mind, your first encounter can be less like a crappy Ben Stiller movie, and more like the start of a good relationship.
Do your homework.
As in so many situations, you’ll probably have an easier time with your significant other’s parent or parents if you find out a little about them beforehand. I talked to Dr. Ruby Payne, author of Crossing the Tracks for Love: What to Do When You and Your Partner Grew Up in Different Worlds, who says,
Ask your partner for a good memory of his/her parent(s) and a memory that helped them realize that the parent was a human being. That will give you insight into the parent and how the partner sees him/her self in relationship to the parent. Also, ask your partner if there is anything that would be helpful to know – ex: a handicap, idiosyncrasy, habit, political bias, religion, etc.
Eden Unger Bowditch, author of The Daughter-in-Law’s Survival Guide and The Atomic Weight of Secrets, adds that doing a bit of recon on parents beforehand can also help conversations go more smoothly: “Find out what they do and like before you meet them.” In general, knowing some basics about your partner’s parents’ lives and values ahead of time can relieve some of that first-meeting uncertainty.
Make sure they know something about you.
If he or she hasn’t already, it’s wise to have your partner fill the family in about you a bit before you meet. Prof. Erica Chito Childs, a sociologist who studies race, gender, and families told me that for couples in interracial relationships, it’s a good idea for your partner to make sure “the family aware is that they are dating outside their race.” She adds,
I’ve interviewed couples before where one partner says, ‘My parents raised me to be the person I am and they don’t care – race, color, religion, nothing matters.’ And I think it’s never good to take that for granted, because many times parents may have very different views when it comes to who their child should date.
Only you, your partner, and your partner’s family know whether racial, cultural, or religion differences will be an issue — but it can be a good idea to raise these topics before you get together for the first time. Beyond that, it’s just nice for your SO’s progenitors to know a little bit about what you do and what you like, so they’ll know what to talk to you about. Oh, and if you’re vegan or vegetarian and you’re planning on sharing a meal, a heads-up is wise, if only to avoid an awkward scene around the table.
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