I Have Some Ideas for Rick Santorum's Wacky Christian Movie Studio

By Morgan Evans | June 28, 2013 | 10:30pm

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Earlier this week, Rick Santorum announced via Rick Santorum’s personal website that the wackily terrifying ex-Presidential candidate just got hired to be the CEO of EchoLight studios, a real life major motion picture studio (well actually it’s a weird as shit straight-to-DVD Christian propaganda arm)! I’m not really down with the whole “Christian propaganda” thing, but I figured — what the hey — this could be my chance to get a movie made! I don’t care who makes it or what it’s about. I’m a hack. So, Mr. Santorum, I hope you like my ideas.

The Lord Of Dog Town: This is the heartwarming tale of a Christian, skateboarding bulldog played by the phenomenal Aaron Mackelson (from nothing). This straight to VHS film will open your eyes to the light of Jesus through use of montages of dogs skateboarding. At the big event, we discover that the rulebook does indeed state that dogs can’t compete in skateboarding competitions. With the grace of Jesus himself the bulldog quits his career to do charity work. In the third act, the bulldog will get another dog pregnant and they’ll decide to keep the puppy because they’re dogs.

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The Bible: It’s like “The Notebook” but with more words in it.

Jesus Christ: Chronicles Of Bethlehem: This is basically just the plot of Iron Man but it stars Jesus Christ instead of Tony Stark. There are a lot of parallels if I remember correctly, and I probably don’t. Wasn’t there like, a scene where Tony busted out of a cave or something? It’d be cool to see that but with Jesus. I’m sure someone at your company can look it up.

A Bergman Movie With All The Themes And Words Cut Out: Yeah.

Leftovers: An animated film about the sinful deli meats and sauces in your refrigerator that didn’t get sucked up into heaven during the apocalypse. These processed food products must acknowledge that Jesus is their savoir before the end of days really ends because God is a super petty bastard who gives a shit about your lunch meats.

A Movie With A Strong Female Lead: Smorgan Bevans is a famous director who wants to make a movie starring a smart, independent woman who doesn’t need a man. He pitches the film to the evil Nick Sangdorum, president of EkoLatte Pictures who insists that he can’t make such a film due to it’s abhorrent content. Smorgan then gives up and goes home and writes a really bitter article for a Smezebel.

It’s An OK Life: Winner of two different awards, this film recounts the true story of an evil hedge fund CEO named Tyler who wandered away from the path of Jesus. On Christmas Eve (a Christian holiday) Tyler is prepared to throw his body into a wood chipper but is stopped at the last minute by a homeless guy pretending to be an angel. The angel shows Tyler the errors of his ways and Tyler quits the CEO job to become the CEO of a megachurch, which makes him more money anyway. In a plot twist at the end the homeless guy pretending to be an angel was actually a real angel all along because angels are real.

I can just imagine Rick now, sitting down in his office in San Fernando Valley under a buzzing fluorescent light reading a script like some kind of powerless Harvey Weinstein. His assistant comes in, places a Diet Coke on the table and then promptly walks out. “Wait!” Rick says to her as she turns around. “Are we going to be OK?”

“Yes,” she replies, “but you’ve gotta listen to this Morgan Evans guy.”

Listen to your assistant I just made up in my imagination, Rick. Your weirdo studio’s survival depends on you making one of my movies— the ball is in your court. Actually, if you don’t want to make any of them it’s OK. At least now we all know who the worst person in Hollywood is.

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Morgan Evans is a WGA nominated writer who has written for The Onion, Funny or Die, and VH1’s Best Week Ever.