JD Vance Altered a Whole Lake for His Birthday Canoe Trip

The Guardian reports that Vance celebrated his big day by deploying an army corps of engineers (USACE) to raise the water levels of Caesar Creek Lake to create “ideal kayaking conditions.” Father of the year, am I right?

By Audra Heinrichs | August 7, 2025 | 5:03pm

Photo: Getty Images Politics

JD Vance Altered a Whole Lake for His Birthday Canoe Trip

As we know from the GOP’s possibly (read: probably) photoshopped tweet, Vice President JD Vance celebrated his 41st birthday last week. And if you thought Vance’s 41 years of mediocre existence were embarrassing, I’m here to tell you that it gets worse—as always.

On Wednesday, the Guardian reported that Vance celebrated the big day by deploying an army corps of engineers (USACE) to take seriously dubious measures for a family canoe trip in his home state. According to the publication, the engineers were charged with changing the outflow of Caesar Creek Lake, a tributary of Ohio’s Little Miami River. While Vance’s Secret Service detail asserted the request was simply to “support safe navigation,” the source countered that it was also for the purpose of creating “ideal kayaking conditions.” Father of the year, am I right?

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The publication caught the change in outflow via public data on the US Geological Survey (USGS), which showed a significant increase in the river level and a subsequent drop in lake elevation during the time when Vance and co. were vacationing. Though it’s hardly unprecedented for the USACE to modify outflows to accommodate public use (aka community events and first responder training), “special releases” like this one typically aren’t granted for individuals or by individual request, the source said.

USACE spokesperson Gene Pawlik said Vance didn’t do anything illegal and the outflow modification didn’t “adversely affect downstream or upstream water levels” and “downstream stakeholders were notified in advance of the slight outflow increase.” However, ethics lawyer Richard Painter, who served in George W. Bush’s administration, told the Guardian it was “pretty outrageous” for Vance to be receiving preferential treatment for a family vacation when the administration’s cuts have led to nothing but negative changes for the National Park Service (NPS). The National Parks Conservation Association has estimated that the NPS has lost nearly a quarter of its staff since Trump took office in January. As a direct result, entire sections of some parks were forcibly closed.

“Those cuts are directly impacting middle-class families’ vacations,” Painter told the publication. “Whether they are doing it for the Secret Service or for him I think is splitting hairs. What he ought to be doing is choosing another place.” Frankly, if Bush’s “ethics” expert is calling you a piece of shit…you’re not seeing the pearly gates. As per usual, Vance’s office didn’t respond to the Guardian‘s request for comment and has yet to comment on the matter.

Disneyland, Nantucket, the U.K., and a specifically modified lake trip? Talk about Mr. Worldwide. Next stop: Hell, I hope!

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