Rudy Giuliani’s Wild Week

All in the last several days, the former Trump lawyer, accused sexual predator, and alleged 2020 election conspiracist was served at his birthday party, kept his mic on in the bathroom, and...launched a coffee brand?

Rudy Giuliani’s Wild Week

A wild week for me entails getting drinks with friends or doing something after work multiple times in a work week. In light of recent events over the last several days, it’s safe to say that Rudy Giuliani—once “America’s Mayor,” now better known as Donald Trump’s former, crooked lawyer and an alleged sexual predator and election conspiracist—cannot relate.

This week, Giuliani’s latest legal troubles, this time stemming from charges in Arizona that he conspired to steal the 2020 election for Trump, seemingly reached their boiling point. From being served an indictment by the Arizona attorney general at his birthday party in Florida, to keeping his mic on while using the bathroom during a virtual arraignment, and also somehow deeming this the right time to launch a coffee brand, it’s hard to know where to start unpacking #LifeLately for Mr. Giuliani. I guess I’ll go with chronologically!

Let’s rewind to the events of Friday night. At his birthday bash, Giuliani was dancing the night away and posting about it in real-time—including, at one point, seemingly mocking Arizona Attorney General Kris Mayes for not being able to serve him papers. Alongside a selfie of him and a group of blonde women, ostensibly partying it up, he wrote in a since-deleted tweet, “If Arizona authorities can’t find me by tomorrow morning: 1. They must dismiss the indictment; 2. They must concede they can’t count votes.” Within minutes, Mayes’ Twitter account quote-tweeted Giuliani’s post, writing: “The final defendant was served moments ago. Nobody is above the law.”

Mayes’ office confirmed to Rolling Stone that they were able to locate and serve Giuliani through his wildly unsubtle digital footprint: “Our agents traveled to Florida [on Friday]. We knew he was there because of his nightly live video streams at his residence,” Richie Taylor, Mayes’ communications director, told the outlet in a statement. According to Taylor, Giuliani was served at a friend’s house “as he left his birthday party.” Giuliani’s spokesperson, Ted Goodman, told Rolling Stone that Giuliani “was unfazed and enjoyed an incredible evening with hundreds of people, from all walks of life, who love and respect him for his contributions to society.” OK!

Giuliani faces conspiracy, fraud, and forgery charges in Arizona, and has pleaded not guilty on all charges. This, of course, is on top of about a gazillion other legal issues on his plate, which include a $148 million verdict in Georgia for defaming election workers in that state from last December, and, of course, being sued for alleged sexual harassment and exploitation by his former employee last year. He also faces charges of making false statements and soliciting false testimony in Georgia, as part of his alleged role in trying to overturn the election results in that state for Trump, as well.

And the humiliations have only piled on for Giuliani since Friday. At a virtual arraignment on Tuesday for the charges he faces in Arizona, Giuliani pissed new life into the word “live stream” when he forgot to turn his microphone off while in the bathroom and, in a viral clip circulating on social media, can be heard urinating. “Is that me?” he asks. It was, in fact, him. This sounds pretty par for the course for a man famous for butt-dialing reporters, but I am still somehow—unlike Giuliani’s mic—mute!

In the midst of all of this, Giuliani, who is famously broke and filed for bankruptcy in December, has still found in himself the grit to grift; I’d almost have to respect it if he weren’t a horrible person. He’s still trying—unsuccessfully—to sell his Manhattan apartment, slashing the price on it from $6.5 million to $5.7 million just this week. And, also as of this week, he’s shilling a coffee brand in just about the most comical (derogatory) way possible, first launching “Rudy Coffee” on Sunday via an AI-generated video. The video depicts three varieties of coffee beans labeled with little monikers and slogans: “fighting for justice,” “enjoying life” and “America’s mayor.”

I assure you, the video itself is somehow stranger than any summary I could give of it. Giuliani calls his coffee “the best coffee you will ever try,” and says that by purchasing it, you can “support the cause of truth, justice, and American democracy.” I’ll be honest: I don’t want to give this man a dime but based on the way he conducts himself, I almost want to try it??? There just has to be something cocaine or Adderall-adjacent in these blends, right? I fully expect to have a sip and either take over the world or, more likely, wind up hospitalized. One of those! Since the video rolled out this weekend, my timeline has known no rest, as social media users appropriately and enthusiastically dunk on this guy.

In any case, it’s Wednesday and this is the week Rudy Giuliani’s already been having. No matter what your week has thus far entailed, so long as it doesn’t include being served at your 79th birthday party after self-doxing, pissing for all the world to hear, and declaring to the world how broke you are by rolling out a sad little coffee brand—rest assured, you are doing better than Time‘s 2001 Person of the Year.

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