Texas Dodges a Matthew McConaughey Shaped Bullet

The bongo drum enthusiast announced he will not run for governor of Texas.

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Texas Dodges a Matthew McConaughey Shaped Bullet
Image:Naomi Galai (Getty Images)

On the first night of Hanukkah, the internet bore witness to a miracle. Matthew McConaughey announced on Twitter that he would not be running for governor of Texas, despite playing a months-long game of will-he-or-won’t-he. The announcement, which was so full of useless words it reminded me of some of my senior term papers, focused on McConaughey’s quest to “be most useful” in this life and his realization that politics was not the answer to his grand search.

The actor claimed that after years of studying Texan and American politics, he’s learned a few key things. “We have some problems we need to fix,” he says matter of factly. “Our politics needs new purpose. We have divides that need healing. We need more trust in our lives.”

He then blathered on a bit about service and freedom. At this point, I began to wonder what he smoked before he turned the camera on because that shit wasn’t worth the money.

Eventually, after some painfully long minutes of outlining vague issues and posing existential questions, McConaughey got to the point of his little soliloquy and said he would not be taking the political path. Instead, he plans to continue being of service by sharing his “bounty” and supporting entrepreneurs and businesses that have service-focused missions. There was also something about prosperity, but I tuned him out once it became clear this man would not be attempting a political career any time soon.

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