Cressida Bonas (BEST NAME EVER), the reported girlfriend of Super Ginger
and ice
trekker Prince Harry, basically caused a major kerfuffle when she dared to step out
last week carrying a
book called Why Love Matters causing some people to of
freak out about it. Because OBVIOUSLY this is a secret message to Prince Harry, you
guise! People don’t just read books about things. No! This is all about “sending a secret message,” duh! Love ‘matters,’ Harry!
Quit running around in the snow AND LET ME LOVE YOU.
OH BTW! Carrying a book also means
she has “babies on the brain,” because the book “covers how
affection shapes a baby’s brain.” Or, you know, she’s just carrying a
fucking book.
People will try and interpret the
meaning behind books that
celebrities carry more than scientists studying the meaning behind the paintings in caves at Lascaux.
The tabloids wrote more about this girl’s book than The Oxford Press wrote
about the Crimean War.
Look, I know just what it is like
to be in her shoes. I have dated some very famous men in my time. I was once
engaged to the son of the guy who used to own the old Meineke before they had
to tear it down because of all the rats and asbestos and stuff. You have no
idea the pressure of constantly being asked by the guys in your fiance’s
uncle’s Kiwanis Club ‘so, how
are things going with you two?’OMG
THE SCRUTINY.
Now, in the spirit of this totally irrational internet story, I
theorizing bullshit
thought I would open up and share how I have used this very technique
myself, as it is quite effective in conveying important, life-altering
communications to lovers, close friends, celebrity acquaintances or whatever alien race your doctor is trying to convince you is not real.
Here are the various books I have carried around in the past few months, and all
the secret messages to famous men they have meant:
The Secret by Rhonda Byrne— Ryan Gosling: “Do
you know a good place in town to get a taco? I went to this one place I liked.
But it was closed. Thanks.”
Bombshell by Suzanne Somers—Daniel Craig: “What cheese do
you think goes best with ham? I was thinking obvi cheddar, but then my friend
was all NOOOO SWISSS!!! Conflicted.”
By All Means, Keep on
Moving by Marilu Henner—Bradley
Cooper: “I think I may owe you money from this thing once. Did
you ever used to bet on chicken boxing? I thought I remembered you from this one club. Normally I don’t settle up my debts to
anyone ever, but that chicken really broke my heart and I want to start over
with a clean slate.”
Mission, Earth by L. Ron Hubbard—-Benedict Cumberbatch: “Dude,
there are a lot of dirty words you can make out of your name! Like Benedict [Editor’s
Note: Holy
shit. REDACTED.]”
Middlemarch by George Eliot—Idris
Elba: “Hey, do you know what this book is about? I’ve been trying to read
it for like a month. ZERO CLUE. You seem British-y and shit. Seriously dude,
hit me up w/some Cliff’s notes or whatevs.”