This Week In Tabloids: Brad Got Naked With Someone Who Wasn't Angie 

By Bobby Finger  |  April 29, 2015 | 7:20pm
Celebrities

Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we fly to London, put up a tent outside St. Mary’s Hospital, drape ourselves in the flag, and keep making signs that say things like “HERE COMES NUMBER 2!” and “KATE, YOU’RE DOING GREAT!” and “KEEP CALM AND PUSH ON!” until someone in the Royal Family buys us breakfast. Today we’ll be discussing the Maddens and the women who married them, Brad hot tubbin’ with women who are not Angelina Jolie, Kylie and Kendall’s war, and Scott Disick’s cocaine addiction.

The seatbelt sign has been turned on, so let’s get started.

Star

CAMERON AND BENJI: DIVORCE SHOCKER AFTER ONLY 108 DAYS

I just don’t know what to do with myself. I thought she’d finally found the man of her dreams, but Camji is over after just over 100 days of marriage. The fate of Camerdden has been looking rough since April 22, when they were seen NOT holding hands while leaving a talent agency. Apparently the tension between Beneron is because Benji thinks Cameron should “focus on more serious roles” as opposed to “her typical romantic comedies.” A source, presumably a friend of Maddiaz, says “she used to think it was cute that he was taking an interest in her work, but now she’s finding it increasingly annoying.” Meanwhile, Cameron is going to be alone for a “few months” while Benji “[works] as a coach on [Australia’s] iteration of The Voice.” Make sure your marriage doesn’t go down under too, Cambenj!

Harrison Ford isn’t grateful for wife Calista Flockhart’s kindness, and she’s sick of it. Not as sick as Harrison, who’s seemingly always sick or injured, but close. “She cared for him when he broke his leg on the set of Star Wars…and now she’s helping him with the broken pelvis and ankle and head injuries caused by his March 5 small-plane crash.” So she’s chilling at his hospital bed and taking care of their home and family, and all he cares about is whether or not he’ll be able to wear an earring again. Dr. Karen Ruskin told Star, “If the person in need is typically an independent type, it is quite difficult to show appreciation.” Looks like Han needs to get used to the fact that he’s no longer Solo. B-)

Here’s why you should always believe every single thing that’s written in Star:

AND ALSO:

  • Chris Soules, a person, and Whitney Bischoff, a person, are breaking up because of Witney Carson, a person.
  • Carey Mulligan is pregnant and Marcus Mumford is the father and I hope it’s twin girls so I can say “Mumford and Daughters” one day.
  • Kesha is partying too hard, but no one’s yelling ‘Timber!’
  • Tori and Dean are broke as hell.
  • Patrick Dempsey’s life is bleak as hell.
  • Brad Pitt and Ryan Gosling think Christian Bale’s Method acting is annoying as hell.
  • Nicole Kidman’s next movie will premiere on the same channel that premiered the Grumpy Cat movie.
  • Amanda Bynes wants to be on Dancing With The Stars next season, but I don’t want a reason to finally starts watching Dancing With The Stars.

WRONG ANSWER:

Grade: D- (Marcus Mumford gets you pregnant.)

inTouch

BRAD CAUGHT NAKED WITH ANOTHER WOMAN!

Brad Pitt, according to a source, “enjoys smoking post, and hot tubs in the nude.” Cool! Isn’t he cool? “A few weeks before” his August 23 wedding, he invited people to his home to have a friendly naked tub ‘n’ puff. After he “casually told Angelina…as if it was no big deal,” she lost it, and their relationship hasn’t been the same since. “She alerted their staff that she wants full reports on Brad she she’s not around” and is “livid that Brad is smoking marijuana and cigarettes again,” despite the fact that she sneaks “the occasional cigarette, too.” Sounds like they both need to chill! Light up a joint and have a soak in the tub together, you two! OK, maybe not that. I don’t know what they should do, actually. Go see a movie? Age of Adaline is romantic? See that, I guess.. Split a coke and popcorn. Or a water and popcorn. At least a box of Buncha Crunch?

Kate Middleton is scared of superbugs. I’m scared of superbugs! We have so much in common. After St. Mary’s Hospital, “where she was set to deliver a sibling for Prince George, had been closed because of a dangerous superbug outbreak,” she freaked out. “Everyone was worried that Kate or the baby could still catch the bug.” I’d be scared, too! So now the world has one more thing to worry about in addition to: Will it be a boy or a girl? What will it be named? Will Kate catch a superbug? Will the baby catch a superbug? Will superbugs take over the world? Is antibiotic resistance going to kill us all? Come on and give us the baby, Kate! We can’t take the worrying!

Miley Cyrus is “a wreck.” After breaking up with a Kennedy, it seems as if their family curse has been passed on to Cyrus in an It Follows kind of way. She’s “spiraling and is headed for a new low…she’s gone on a crazy tear.” The crazy tear has included “hooking up with random people,” “partying almost every night,” and making out with “men and women.” She’s grown up so fast! It feels like just yesterday the most shocking behavior she was capable of was simply nodding her head like yeah.

People still text Michelle! Or, at least Kelly Rowland does!

AND ALSO:

  • Nikki Reed and Ian Somerhalder got married and I dare you to make me care.
  • Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel want another baby already because their current baby wasn’t the right shape for the void.
  • Rihanna and Leonardo DiCaprio are dating again and I want them to stay together for life without marrying like Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell.
  • Kris Jenner knew about Bruce’s gender identity “all along.”
  • Zosia Mamet changed her hair color again.
  • Kim Richards “preplanned her ‘spontaneous’ walk-off” from Dr. Phil’s show.
  • Nicole Richie and Joel Madden are getting a divorce because they love copying Cameron and Benji.
  • Kerry Washington and Nnamdi Asomugha are getting a divorce and they don’t even know who Benji Madden is.

WRONG ANSWER:

Grade: D+ (You give birth to Marcus Mumford’s baby in a hotel known for superbugs.)

OK!

KENDALL VS KYLIE: SISTERS AT WAR!

Read that headline again. Kendall vs Kylie: Sisters at War! That, my friends, is how you title a YA series. Not Rebels: City of Indra. But enough about my career advice, let’s discuss their imploding relationship! Just listen to what insiders say they’re fighting about:

  • Kylie is jealous
  • Kylie thinks Kendall is “sleeping her way to the top”
  • Kendall thinks Kylie is “trashy”
  • Kylie’s “mania for surgery”
  • Bruce “talks fashion with Kendall” and not Kylie, even though Kylie thinks she’s the more stylish one

And now let’s all take a moment to thank our lucky stars that we weren’t born into this family.

Don’t believe what you read about them a few paragraphs ago, because Angie and Brad are A-OK and it’s all thanks to marriage counseling. “Angie’s friend recommended this amazing therapist, and they’ve been talking everything over with her…she’s the third person in their marriage right now, and it’s been life-changing.” Topics allegedly include Angie’s health issues, their children, and their careers, how Angie is disappointed that the movie she directed last year, Unbroken, kinda underperformed. Normal couple stuff, really.

Speaking of celebrity marriages that are sailing smoothly according to one source but not another, Tori and Dean are happy and in love and ready to have a fifth kid! Despite everything you’ve been told about the long-term effects of hibachi grill injuries, I guess falling onto a grill at Benihana can save a marriage! “They’ve been through a lot,” says a source. “Honestly, no one thought they’d make it, but they’ve proved everyone wrong.” Go ahead and just use the actual “Still the One” lyrics, source. You’re close enough already! But remember, Shania and Mutt still ended up breaking up in the end. And I’m still not over it.

This pie looks gross. Look at it! Nasty nasty nasty. Unreal, even! Like something the Lost Boys created with their minds during a food fight.

AND ALSO:

  • Selena Gomez will be proud of her curves until our Sun dies.
  • Courtney Cox and Jennifer Aniston will be best friends until our Sun dies.
  • Kelly Osourne is going broke.
  • Renee Zellweger’s “very cute” boyfriend is going broke.
  • Ryan Gosling is cheating on Eva Mendes with Sandra Bullock.
  • Jason Statham is “ring shopping” for Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, and I hope she changes her name because writing “Rosie Statham” would be so much less of a pain in my ass than “Rosie Huntington-Whiteley.”
  • OK! thinks Julia Roberts and Anne Hathaway are “unlikely enemies,” but I always thought the possibility for them to be enemies was pretty likely? Like, certain?
  • Brandi Glanville is “terrified” of going broke after Housewives, so she’s “putting a lot of effort into her podcast.” :-

Grade: F (You’re pregnant with Marcus Mumford’s baby and the only thing you crave is Sandra Lee’s nasty pie.)

Life & Style

SCOTT’S BEST PAL TELLS ALL: COCAINE OVERDOSE

Who had the cocaine overdose, Scott’s best pal? Was it you? Was it Scott? Did anyone have a cocaine overdose or do you just like saying “COCAINE OVERDOSE”? Let’s check inside to find out. Ah, yes. Scott had the cocaine overdose. It’s just one of the “huge number of secrets” that Disick’s “former manager and longtime friend David Weintraub has revealed.” There’s the COCAINE OVERDOSE, the sex tape Kourtney made with someone who isn’t Scott Disick, and the mistress Scott paid $200,000 to keep quiet. When asked why he thinks the two are still together, Weintraub told Life & Style, “there’s stability in their situation.” OK, man! Er, Life & Style, man!

One Direction? More like DONE Direction! Before you angrily close the tab and never read another Midweek Madness again, hear me out. When Zayn left, the band fell apart. He was like the glue holding them all together, or, the hair product. Zayn was the styling wax holding them all together, and now that he’s out, everyone else is going to follow. An insider says “the others have known for a long time that Harry would go solo…it had always been the plan,” and everyone is getting ready for the inevitable split. Louis, Liam, and Niall are all working on their next moves, “but Harry is most in-demand.” Meanwhile, Zayn has “never felt more in control in [his] life.” So happy one of them was able to squeeze themselves through the hole behind a Raquel Welch poster and crawl the hell away from that band!

Blake Shelton’s drinking problem is destroying his marriage to Miranda Lambert. An insider tells Life & Style “Blake has no shame about his love of alcohol” and the top of the spread features a quote from Blake himself that says, “I drink alcohol and always will until I die.” But Miranda is sick of it. They apparently used to turn up together constantly, “but since she shed 20 pounds last year, she’s curbed her drinking and focused on getting healthy.” They have two options for saving their marriage:

  1. Go to the same therapist Angie and Brad used.
  2. Follow in Tori Spelling’s poorly chosen footsteps and intentionally fall onto a grill at Benihana.

AND ALSO:

  • J. Lo and some man are getting married.
  • Teresa Giudice has made enemies with nearly every person she’s met in prison.
  • “Beyonce misses her mom.”
  • Megan Hilty celebrated Earth Day.
  • Angelina Jolie is “consulting” with Ellen DeGeneres on her new movie.
  • Olivia Wilde and Jason Sudekis cuddled in public again.
  • If you’re not wearing sleeveless jackets and matte lipstick you should probably just fall on a hibachi grill.

WRONG ANSWER:

Grade: D (You fall on a hibachi grill and burn your arms because you wore a sleeveless jacket.)

APPENDIX:

Fig. 1, inTouch

Fig. 2, inTouch

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