Welcome back! Every Wednesday, we do Midweek Madness, in which Callie Beusman heads to the newsstand and buys the latest issues of Ok!, Us, In Touch, Life & Style and Star, so that together, we can read them and weep. This week: Beyoncé is labeled a “diva” for wanting to have peanut butter backstage; Miley Cyrus is starving herself and doing “punishing” workouts; and the gossip psychotherapists have diagnosed Bruce Jenner with gender identity issues. Get your tissues ready!
Star
“BRUCE WANTS TO BE A WOMAN!”
We would try to broach this with humor but all the sense has been struck from us. Star says that Bruce Jenner WANTS TO BE A WOMAN, which is what caused his divorce from Kris Jenner. UHHHH, OK. Let’s go over the evidence: Bruce Jenner likes growing his hair out. Bruce Jenner likes getting manicures and pedicures. Bruce Jenner loves his diamond earring. Bruce Jenner plucks his eyebrows (Fig. 1). WE SHOULD NOT BE EYEBROW-SHAMING THIS PUBLIC FIGURE, BECAUSE EYEBROW MAINTENANCE IN MEN IS SOMETHING THAT THE GODDESS SMILES UPON. Anyway, the copy also claims that Bruce enjoys wearing women’s underwear, which is something they heard from the new wife of Kris Jenner’s ex-husband, so — grain of salt. Also Star is a festering pile of lies and garbage, so entire salt plain of salt. But let’s take this opportunity to say that 1) there’s a vast difference between wearing women’s underwear and being transgender, and 2) there’s nothing weird or unsavory or salacious about Bruce Jenner’s cross dressing if it makes him happy. The only weird thing Bruce Jenner does is collect little helicopters. Moving on: Joe Jonas reportedly has a substance abuse problem, which may or may not be true, but we’ll take any opportunity to reminisce about his girlfriend’s name: the magazine says that Jonas’s (fake) sex tape with girlfriend BLANDA EGGENSCHWILER (BLANDA EGGENSCHWILER!!!!!!) includes footage of him using drugs. In other news, Jennifer Lopez and Casper Smart have reportedly broken up. A “pal” divulges that she did not let him take any of his belongings, hissing, “You came with nothing; you will leave with nothing.” File that away for future use. Next. We revisit Robert Pattinson and Dylan Penn’s date to a Mickey Avalon concert (WHY) and find out that Robert Pattinson was doing mounds of coke all night long, probably because he was trying to forget that he actually went on a date to a Mickey Avalon concert. Elsewhere in the mag, we find out that Miranda Lambert allegedly cheated on Blake Shelton before he ever cheated on her, which means that Blake is no longer the “bad guy in the relationship.” Because whoever does a bad thing first is the bad one forever? Yep, sounds about right.
Grade: F (scream-crying resulting in ocean of tears)
Ok!
“$50 MILLION OR I’LL RUIN YOUR FAMILY!”
What we have here is fanfic in which Lamar Odom plays the mustachioed villain and Khloe Kardashian is the damsel in distress tied to the railroad tracks. Allegedly, he’s all, “fuck you pay me” and plans to “expose a range of dark family secrets” if he doesn’t get $50 mil. These “secrets” include Khloe being a “mean girl” who bullied Rob so much it turned him in to a “fatty and low self-esteemer.” Also in high school Khloe made out with her BFF for attention. Also all of the Kardashian ladies “shop to feel better about themselves.” These “secrets” do not seem worth $50 mil, especially in this economy? Also inside: Justin Bieber won’t eat butter because it messes with his vocal chords. Mmm, butter. Prince Harry’s romance with Cressida Bonas might get “derailed” by an incoming freight train in the form of ex-girlfriend Chelsy Davy, who’s decided she wants him back. Miley Cyrus is “down to 95 lbs.” and only eats raw vegetables and goat yogurt, in addition to doing “punishing exercise.” Says a source. Finally, there’s a story about how “the magic is gone” between Ginnifer Goodwin and Josh Dallas, even though the actual real time latest news is that they have gotten engaged. (The engagement is not mentioned in this mag. Try and keep up, Ok!)
Grade: F (hyperventilation-crying)
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