This Week in Tabloids: Ex-Teen Heartthrobs Have a Homoerotic Night Out
CelebritiesWelcome back to Midweek Madness! Every Wednesday, we bravely leaf through the accurséd pages of In Touch, Ok!, Life & Style, Us and Star in order to summon the foul and loathsome spirit of Celebrity Gossip from the underworld. Today: Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom broke up because she sexted Justin Bieber, Miley cried for help via a moody Instagram caption, and Robert Pattinson, Joe Jonas and Zac Efron made some jovial handjob innuendoes as a bonding activity. Let’s begin.
Us
“KHLOE’S SHOCKER: TAKING HIM BACK”
Khloe Kardashian is giving Lamar Odom a second chance, according to a source. “It was a tense drive over to Kris Jenner’s Hidden Hills mansion… Khloe Kardashian gripped the wheel of her Mercedes G-Class wagon while her husband, Lamar Odom, slumped in the passenger side, exhausted from spending the day begging her to take him back,” reads the opening line of this Us Weekly-endorsed fan fiction (unless the magazine’s “source” lives in the glove compartment?). Other details: Khloe and Lamar want to keep their reunion private until he recovers more from his addiction; they’re sleeping together; Lamar told everyone he was very sorry. In other news, Kerry Washington is pregnant. Evidence: loose clothing [Fig 1], drinking protein shakes and organic tea, a previously-expressed desire to have children. Under this logic, every person who goes to a juice bar in sweatpants is also pregnant, but yay! Congratulations to Kerry Washington! Moving on, my favorite rumor of all time: Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom split because she was sexting Justin Bieber. A Bieber insider calls the story “so ridiculous” and Kerr’s attorney denies it. THE INSIDERS DOTH PROTEST TOO MUCH, METHINKS. Okay, fine, mehopes. I really wish these sexts were real, guys. Finally: we are treated to a very boring article about the Royal Christening (commoner godparents! Expensive rugs! Prince George blew spit bubbles!) that is notable for two reasons: 1, it features the most unflattering baby photos imaginable of Prince William and Kate Middleton [Fig. 2] and 2, this: “[Prince] Harry was thrilled with his role… ‘He’s fun Uncle Harry,’ explains a source. ‘Around George, he doesn’t try to act cool in the slightest — he blows raspberries on his leg.'” His Royal Highness does not even try to act cool around a very small baby. Wow.
GRADE: D (a poltergeist who regularly throws away all your tampons)
In Touch
“MILEY FINALLY ADMITS: I NEED HELP!”
Miley Cyrus has “finally admitted” that she needs help by… um… posting an Instagram photo with emotional lyrics as the caption? The photo, which has since been deleted, showed Cyrus looking pensive and moody. The caption was lyrics “I’ve never felt so alone, It feels so scary getting old,” which are Lorde lyrics. If “sad lyrics on social media” constituted a legitimate cry for help, every 7th grader with a MySpace would have been institutionalized. Anyway, Miley is partying too much and doesn’t have many real friends, says a source. She’s also “OUT OF CONTROL,” having, like, made out with “4 MEN IN 4 WEEKS!” Self-indulgent Instagram-shaming and slut-shaming, together at last in one article. In other news, Kanye is a Groomzilla, whereas Kim Kardashian wants a private wedding. Kanye wants his wedding to be “the event everyone will talk about for years to come” (sorry, climate change). He’s also fine with putting it on TV: “If someone’s gonna give me $10 million for [my wedding], I’m gonna take it!” Don’t sell yourself short, Kanye! Kim made $17.9 on her wedding to Kris Humphries, who is basically a very unexciting log with sunken eyes that sometimes wears a tux. Moving on: Elle Macpherson, the wife of the mogul with whom Gwyneth Paltrow allegedly had an affair, hates Gwynnie a lot. Unlike the rest of the world, which hates Gwynnie for being rude and fetishizing her holistic pizza oven and looking suspiciously good with a middle part, she has a reason (i.e., that her husband engaged in a steamy affair with the woman). Makes sense.
GRADE: D- (a lonely goblin wearing a trash bag as a dress)