Welcome back to Midweek Madness! Every Wednesday, we bravely leaf through the accurséd pages of In Touch, Ok!, Life & Style, Us and Star in order to summon the foul and loathsome spirit of Celebrity Gossip from the underworld. Today: Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom broke up because she sexted Justin Bieber, Miley cried for help via a moody Instagram caption, and Robert Pattinson, Joe Jonas and Zac Efron made some jovial handjob innuendoes as a bonding activity. Let’s begin.
Us
“KHLOE’S SHOCKER: TAKING HIM BACK”
Khloe Kardashian is giving Lamar Odom a second chance, according to a source. “It was a tense drive over to Kris Jenner’s Hidden Hills mansion… Khloe Kardashian gripped the wheel of her Mercedes G-Class wagon while her husband, Lamar Odom, slumped in the passenger side, exhausted from spending the day begging her to take him back,” reads the opening line of this Us Weekly-endorsed fan fiction (unless the magazine’s “source” lives in the glove compartment?). Other details: Khloe and Lamar want to keep their reunion private until he recovers more from his addiction; they’re sleeping together; Lamar told everyone he was very sorry. In other news, Kerry Washington is pregnant. Evidence: loose clothing [Fig 1], drinking protein shakes and organic tea, a previously-expressed desire to have children. Under this logic, every person who goes to a juice bar in sweatpants is also pregnant, but yay! Congratulations to Kerry Washington! Moving on, my favorite rumor of all time: Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom split because she was sexting Justin Bieber. A Bieber insider calls the story “so ridiculous” and Kerr’s attorney denies it. THE INSIDERS DOTH PROTEST TOO MUCH, METHINKS. Okay, fine, mehopes. I really wish these sexts were real, guys. Finally: we are treated to a very boring article about the Royal Christening (commoner godparents! Expensive rugs! Prince George blew spit bubbles!) that is notable for two reasons: 1, it features the most unflattering baby photos imaginable of Prince William and Kate Middleton [Fig. 2] and 2, this: “[Prince] Harry was thrilled with his role… ‘He’s fun Uncle Harry,’ explains a source. ‘Around George, he doesn’t try to act cool in the slightest — he blows raspberries on his leg.'” His Royal Highness does not even try to act cool around a very small baby. Wow.
GRADE: D (a poltergeist who regularly throws away all your tampons)
In Touch
“MILEY FINALLY ADMITS: I NEED HELP!”
Miley Cyrus has “finally admitted” that she needs help by… um… posting an Instagram photo with emotional lyrics as the caption? The photo, which has since been deleted, showed Cyrus looking pensive and moody. The caption was lyrics “I’ve never felt so alone, It feels so scary getting old,” which are Lorde lyrics. If “sad lyrics on social media” constituted a legitimate cry for help, every 7th grader with a MySpace would have been institutionalized. Anyway, Miley is partying too much and doesn’t have many real friends, says a source. She’s also “OUT OF CONTROL,” having, like, made out with “4 MEN IN 4 WEEKS!” Self-indulgent Instagram-shaming and slut-shaming, together at last in one article. In other news, Kanye is a Groomzilla, whereas Kim Kardashian wants a private wedding. Kanye wants his wedding to be “the event everyone will talk about for years to come” (sorry, climate change). He’s also fine with putting it on TV: “If someone’s gonna give me $10 million for [my wedding], I’m gonna take it!” Don’t sell yourself short, Kanye! Kim made $17.9 on her wedding to Kris Humphries, who is basically a very unexciting log with sunken eyes that sometimes wears a tux. Moving on: Elle Macpherson, the wife of the mogul with whom Gwyneth Paltrow allegedly had an affair, hates Gwynnie a lot. Unlike the rest of the world, which hates Gwynnie for being rude and fetishizing her holistic pizza oven and looking suspiciously good with a middle part, she has a reason (i.e., that her husband engaged in a steamy affair with the woman). Makes sense.
GRADE: D- (a lonely goblin wearing a trash bag as a dress)
Life & Style
“KHLOE IN TEARS: WHERE’S MY HAPPY ENDING?”
As everyone knows, only one person in a family can be happy at once. It’s science! Thus, Khloe Kardashian is devastated because Kim is so happy and engaged. Because everything that a female celebrity does in any semi-public place is automatically classified as “flaunting,” Kim is selfishly “flaunting her joy in front of heartbroken Khloe.” And now Khloe, a very successful and rich woman with a large and supportive extended family, is sad and alone. Uh, okay, sure. Next: Katharine McPhee is dealing with the fallout of her now-public affair with her married director, Michael Morris. Morris apparently wants to get back together with his wife, who wants nothing to do with him; Katharine is “stunned” because she thought he was in love with her. Very sad all around. The rest of the magazine is comprised of boring garbage that we’ve all heard already. Yawn.
GRADE: F (a bowl full of cold spaghetti that someone tells you is brains)
Ok!
“BABY SHOCKER! KIM PREGNANT AGAIN”
Kanye West is pressuring Kim to get pregnant again. Okay, I’m sorry; this is just ridiculous. Kim’s pregnant stomach would interfere with her Leather Wedding Peplum, which is something Kanye would never want. Anyway, sources say that Kanye wants “an army of kids” (scary!) and wants to “get one over on Jay Z” by having a son. Sure! And then, as an extra bonus, we are treated to a unsubstantiated vision board of the Kimye wedding [Fig 3]. In other news, Gwen Stefani “can’t deny she’s pregnant” any longer because she took an Instagram in which her stomach was pressed up against Rachel Zoe’s pregnant stomach. Definitive proof. Elsewhere in the mag, some inane concern-trolling about Lea Michele’s weight. Lea Michele’s boyfriend died tragically three months ago. Let’s not gawk at her body just yet, please. In much better news, some beautiful genius has penned an account of a boys’ night out in L.A., featuring Robert Pattinson, Zac Efron and Joe Jonas, as told by an eyewitness. I’m beside myself. Here are some highlights: “At one point Rob said he was cold and Zac tossed him a sweater: ‘Joe told Rob that he was acting like a girl and joked that Rob and Zac should get a room because they were acting like boyfriend and girlfriend!'” And: “Then, as with any guy time, talk turned to sports. ‘Zac was telling Rob about golfing and showing him how to hold the club,’ the source says. ‘They were making all sorts of sexual innuendoes, about how to choke up on it and get a grip. You can imagine the conversation.'” And: “When talk turned to Halloween, ‘Someone in the group said they were going to be a vampire and Rob said, ‘Real original!’ and jokingly threw something at him.” Finally: “Zac and Joe and the rest were doing the guy ‘head nod’ whenever a really hot girl walked by.” This article deserves a Pulitzer. Or probably just the O. Henry Prize for short fiction. Finally, OK! has generously compiled a Kardashian A to Z. B is bikini bodies. D is drama. K is the letter K.
GRADE: D for the magazine in general; A+ for the boys’ night fanfic (a spooky cat with two peg legs; the King of Darkness riding upon a flaming horse and carrying the banner of damnation in his massive skeleton hands, respectively)
Star
LEANN & EDDIE: $50 MILLION DIVORCE
Eddie Cibrian wants to get divorced from LeAnn Rimes, says a source, citing “psycho behavior.” But first he has to finish fulfilling his obligations to film their joint reality TV show. What a riveting love story. In other news, Taylor Swift and Katie Holmes are fighting for Alexander Skaarsgard’s love on the set of The Giver. It’s good to know that a pack of Hollywood A-listers are trying to launch torrid love triangles on the set of the beloved children’s classic. Elsewhere in the mag, the editors have concocted a story about Angelina Jolie’s post-mastectomy breast implants leaking and causing her pain. In case you’d forgotten, Star is a garbage magazine filled with filth and sorrow. While we’re on the subject, Star also ran an article claiming that Ellen Degeneres is terrified “that Portia is going to leave her for another woman — or, worse, a man!” Yeah, okay. Goodnight world.
GRADE: F (a rotting pumpkin getting picked apart by bedraggled ravens)
Addendum
Fig. 1, Us
Fig. 2, Us
Fig. 3, OK!