This Week In Tabloids: George Clooney's Sperm Aren't Pranking Amal!

Whitney Bischoff is having second thoughts about Chris Soules. If those two names mean nothing to you, I understand. Whitney is the woman who Chris chose on the most recent season of The Bachelor. OK, now you’re caught up. So Whitney was watching Chris on Dancing with the Stars (he’s on that show, too) and was apparently “mortified” after seeing him snap at partner Witney Carson. “Don’t do it your way! I can’t do it your way so stop it!” I didn’t see the episode in question, but assume the argument was about Chris being unable to spell Whitney without the ‘h.’

MARIAH CAREY HAS SPIES IN HER HOUSE! I remember Mariah Carey’s episode of Cribs like it aired yesterday, but I sure as hell don’t remember her mentioning any spies! Times change, I guess, because they are in her house and listening to everything she says and watching everything she does and reporting all of it back to her ex, Nick Cannon, who is trying to “prove she’s an unfit parent to 4-year-old twins Monroe and Moroccan.” Her paranoia has caused her to start “cutting loose members of her specialized staff,” because her pillow fluffer, toilet seat lowerer/raiser, water valet could easily be the spy in question.

And Also:

• Prince Harry asked Jennifer Lawrence out and she said no because she wants “nothing to do with Camilla”? Jennifer is 24 and American and not royal, btw.
• Jay Z moved to LA because Beyonce wanted to and he haaaaaaaaaaaaaates it.
• Zayn is getting married and isn’t inviting ANY of his former bandmates. The bandmates are banned!
• Melissa Gorga swam with a dolphin and also her husband.
• Kylie and Kendall have NO IDEA what to call Bruce Jenner after his transition.
• If you don’t wear triangle jewelry this spring you’d better not walk outside, monster.
• Rachel McAdams and Jake Gyllenhaal are probably in love. I know this was mentioned before but it’s important shipping.

Wrong Answer:

Grade: C- (You sit next to Rachel McAdams and Jake Gyllenhaal at dinner but then you realize the waiter was hired by Nick Cannon to spy on you.)

STAR

PREGNANT JEN DUMPS JUSTIN / IT’S OVER / “I’LL RAISE THIS BABY ALONE”

While at dinner with Courtney Cox at the Sunset Tower in Hollywood on April 8, Jen Aniston had a breakdown in front of the whole restaurant. “She said [Justin Theroux] wasn’t trying hard enough to save the relationship, and she was so tired of always fighting with him.” Even though she’s as pregnant as pregnant gets, “she’s going to keep the baby whether she’s with Justin or not!” But it’s not that simple. Justin plans to “fight for custody if Jen [refuses] to allow him access.” So get ready for JEN AND JUSTIN: THEIR BITTER CUSTODY BATTLE, coming to newsstands next spring. Followed soon thereafter by MOMMY ANISTON: I’M TAKING JUSTIN BACK!

Johnny Depp and Amber Heard, husband and wife, are rarely seen together. The reason for this is because Johnny has “had enough” of Amber’s mostly-platonic-but-probably-sexual relationship with her best friend, iO Tillett Wright. “I’m jealous of iO,” Johnny probably screams. “iO is just a friend!” Amber probably screams back. I can’t fully imagine this argument, however, because I cannot figure out how to pronounce iO. Eye-oh? Eee-oh? Input-Output? Whatever the case, iO has referred to Amber Heard as her “love” on her tumblr, so Johnny will probably be annoyed by their love and her name for the foreseeable future.

Recipe For True Love

1 Bobby Flay

1 Stephanie March

1 Giada De Laurentiis

1 Elyse Tirrell

½ cup parsley, chopped

Pour Bobby Flay and Stephanie March into a medium-sized glass bowl. Toss and set aside for 10 years. Stir in Giada De Laurentiis and Elyse Tirrell. Then throw the bowl against your wall and watch it shatter. Garnish the shards with parsley. Serve cold.

And Also:

• Nicole Richie is going bald, and will probably look cool bald.
• Kris Jenner is giving Rob Kardashian $5,000 a week so that he’ll keep his mouth shut about family secrets. She also lets him use her Range Rover.
• Mischa Barton is homeless.
• Leonardo DiCaprio is “hooked on Tinder” but hasn’t used it to go on any dates yet?
• Bella Thorne ate a quarter of a watermelon at Coachella.
• Newlywed Sean Hayes keeps flirting with other men and his husband Scott Icenogle is pissed.
• I know I’ve mentioned Rachel and Jake twice already, but now she can’t choose between him and Colin Farrell! Pick Jake, Rach! Pick Jake!

Wrong Answer:

Grade: D+ (You sit next to Rachel McAdams and Jake Gyllenhaal at dinner but the couple on your other side side is Bobby Flay and Giada De Laurentiis and they won’t stop making out.)

inTouch

AFTER TV INTERVIEW, BRUCE ON…SUICIDE WATCH

Bruce Jenner is on suicide watch. Isn’t that awful? “He is depressed, and his friends and family are scared to death about his state of mind.” His interview with Diane Sawyer left him feeling “euphoric,” but that “wore off” pretty quickly. Bruce is allegedly depressed over his family’s response to his transition, as well as the February car accident he was involved in “that left a woman dead.” This is all just too sad, actually. Enough of this.

Jessica Simpson is addicted to dieting. OK, never mind, this one is also bleak. “Multiple sources say Jessica is abusing Adderall, a stimulant drug intended to treat ADHD and narcolepsy that also speeds metabolism.” She apparently became hooked on the stuff while trying to lose weight after giving birth to her son Ace in 2013. The dieting addiction is apparently causing fights with her husband, Eric Johnson. “She’s always yelling at [him], saying things like, ‘Why can’t you hide all the brownies? I don’t want to see them.” Hiding brownies? This is more bleak than I thought.

Selena Gomez is sick of you calling her fat. (Good lord, inTouch sucks this week!) When she showed up on a beach in a pink bikini, “online bullies pounced” and “Selena was livid.” Like a good celebrity, she responded to her haters on Instagram, captioning a photo of her in a different bathing suit with “I love being happy with me yall.” Not only is she happy with her, she loves being happy with her, and isn’t that what we all want more than anything? For celebrities to love being happy with themselves?

And Also:

• Ellen DeGeneres is ready to dance right out of the home she shares with Portia de Rossi.
• Tom Cruise didn’t show up to his daughter Suri’s 9th birthday. “Who’s Tom Cruise?” she probably responded when asked for a comment.
• Calvin Harris is allergic to Taylor Swift’s cats, which could make for a very fun breakup song.
• Joe Giudici ruined Teresa’s chances of getting out of prison early.
• Lindsay Lohan, Tara Reid, Kate Moss, and Miley Cyrus “could use some junk in the trunk!”
• The world approves of Dakota Johnson’s new haircut.
• Every doctor who isn’t Dr. Oz thinks Dr. Oz is “a quack.”
• Rachel and Jake are IN LOVE, everyone! Four tabloids confirm it!

Interview of the Week: Scott Eastwood

Wrong Answer:

Grade: F (You sit next to Rachel McAdams and Jake Gyllenhaal at dinner but then the restuarant falls into the San Andreas fault.)

Appendix:

Fig. 1 – inTouch

Fig. 2 – inTouch

Fig. 3 – Star

Fig. 4 – Star