This Week In Tabloids: Jessica Simpson's New Man Knocks Her Up, Puts Her On A Diet


Welcome back to Midweek Madness! Today in the celebrity weeklies, Angelina “storms out” on Brad in a shocking reversal, a Real Housewives mystery is solved, and we check in on the uteri of half the ladies in Hollywood.

Jessica Simpson, who turns 30 this weekend, is a pathetic excuse for a woman because she spent her 20s dating and concentrating on her career rather than finding a husband and pumping out babies. However, judging from her “fuller-figured look” that’s about to change. Though Dr. Edward Jackowski “hasn’t personally treated Jess,” he’s confirming that she’s pregnant because she’s sporting a “newly formed paunch in her lower tummy region and a more-than-usual rounded nose and face,” which are “typical of a woman in her 10th to 12th week of pregnancy.” OK! suggests the daddy is her new beau Eric Johnson, but let’s hope for Jess’ sake that his math is as bad as the mag’s: They’ve only been dating for five weeks. Things are also looking up for Jennifer Aniston’s tragically empty womb; Chris Gartin, some dude she was spotted eating dinner with last week, is a recently-divorced father of two and “a natural dad,” according to an insider. In another story, Unsolicited Uterus Update Weekly reveals that Carrie Underwood is “ready to give new husband Mike Fisher the ultimate wedding gift: a baby.” They’re allegedly planning to start trying to get pregnant on their honeymoon. Thankfully, this issue ends with a palate-cleansing article on Glee stars (and real-life BFFs) Naya Rivera and Heather Morris. Santana and Brittany interview each other about what makes each an awesome best friend, yielding some super-cute shit like, “You have the funniest laugh in the whole world,” and “We went and saw a movie a few days ago and you made me laugh so hard I had tears in my eyes.” The only thing that could make them more adorable is having a babies attached to their hips!
Grade: F (Peeing on OK! to determine whether you’re pregnant or not.)

Though various sources describe ex-NFL player Eric Johnson as a “hardworking” guy who makes Jessica “really happy,” he’s definitely an asshole. Consider this evidence: 1) He filed for divorce in January, but it still hasn’t been finalized (though he and his ex are on good terms). 2) He took Jessica home for a family reunion, and meeting his folks for the first time was totally “awkward.” 3) Though he knocked her up five weeks before meeting her (says OK!), he now encouraging her to crash diet. 4) Jessica is inherently incapable of having a happy, stable relationship (according to the tabs, at least). In other news, Bachelorette Jillian Harris and Ed Swiderski are taking a break, and she reportedly told a friend, “I’m fucking done.” Between this and the Jake-Vienna breakup, we’re starting to lose our faith in disgustingly fake reality-TV romances.
Grade: F (Tabloid editors develop ability to will stars pregnant.)

In Touch
Can you spot the logic fail?

With his hard partying, womanizing and downright embarassing behavior, it’s nearly impossible to understand why Kourtney Kardashian is still putting up with Scott Disick. But according to an insider, Kourtney’s stuck with him, and for at least one very good reason: She wants to have another baby with him very soon.

In other Kardashians news, Kim’s new relationship with Miles Austin is a “risky rebound” because he’s a “notorious ladies’ man” and “she’s introducing a man who is not used to reality TV to a world of instant fame and even more women wanting to be with him.” Next: In a shocking twist of events, “Angelina Storms Out.” How will Brad function now that Angelina’s hijacked his only method of transportation? As you’ll recall, Brad recently convinced Angie to reunite with her dad, but last week he refused to vacation with Jon Voight and the rest of the fam in Cancun. The reason: Voight wrote something mean about Barack Obama in the Washington Post and Brad has the emotional maturity of a six-year-old. In Touch asks: “Boob job or bra? But the editors answer their own question, claiming Kate Bosworth, Rihanna, and AnnaLynne McCord all went under the knife, while Miley’s “bigger boobs can be attributed to her body changing as she matures.” Almost like a real, live teenage girl! (image 7) In other news, In Touch claims Vienna Girardi hooked up with Glee‘s Mark Salling at a hotel in Las Vegas, but we refuse to believe he’d cheat on Santana. “Bronde” is the new blond: Adjust accordingly (image 8). Renee Zellweger is “addicted to exercise” because she works out a lot and her “diet consists almost entirely of tuna, chicken and veggies.” We’re pretty sure the tabloids have been recommending this diet and exercise regimen for years, but now they say it’s a one-way ticket to “exercise bulimia.” In a related story, In Touch congratulates Perez Hilton for losing 61 pounds by exercising every day and having his meals delivered. He says in an “exclusive” interview:

I think it’s hilarious that I am a celebrity because I talk about celebrities — I feel like I have tricked the whole world! But I’m more than fine with people turning the tables around on me because it would be very hypocritical of me if I couldn’t take what I dish out. And, it helps keep me grounded.

You heard him, folks: Scribbling penises and cum stains on photos of Perez in MS Paint is the only way to keep him humble.
Grade: D- (Reproducing with the poor man’s Spencer Pratt.)

Life & Style
Hank Baskett allegedly went to strip clubs with fellow Philadelphia Eagles players on two separate occasions, once while Kendra was eight months pregnant (or, “at home and ready to pop,” as the mag puts it). His “acquaintance” Carl Miller claims he even, “went to the private VIP room with two girls.” A sidebar poses the question, “Is Hank attracted to strippers?” and suggests that he may have started “looking for entertainment elsewhere” after Kendra took down the stripper pole she had installed in their home. Kendra was totally shocked to learn that Hank has been unfaithful, and according to the mag, “She could never have imagined that just 13 days before she gave birth to Hank’s namesake, her husband would be hanging at Rick’s, where the women wear nothing but latex bands over their nipples and double-layered underwear.” Wait… that isn’t covered in What To Expect When You’re Expecting? Next, we have some more on Jennifer Aniston’s steamy dinner date with actor Chris Gartin. They were actually with a group of friends and have known each other for years, but a fellow diner reports they “sat directly across from each other” and “spent the whole meal talking closely.” It must be true love — otherwise, she would have smacked him across the face and told him to never look her directly in the eyes. Jon Gosslin misspelled his girlfriend Ellen’s name on his tattoo, and his back now features the Korean characters for “Aaron.” As for Kate Gosselin, she’s “hurting her little girls” by getting various plastic surgery procedures (image 9). An insider/professional parenting appraiser says, “She’s way too focused on herself. She’s a single mother now — her kids should be her main concern.” Moving on: In an interview, Dina Manzo reveals what Danielle Staub did that made her sister Caroline burst into tears on the Real Housewives of N.J. season one finale: She tried to get her daughter Lexi taken away from her. Danielle spread the word that Dina had forged her ex-husband’s signature on the contracts allowing Lexi to be on the show (which Dina denies), then fed him behind-the-scenes information in an attempt to make him sue for custody. Fortunately her ex realized Danielle’s a nutjob and didn’t go through with it. Finally, James Franco had Soaps in Depth design and print 500 copies of an all-Franco edition of the mag to hand out to fans at a General Hospital taping (image 10). We’ll be hunting for the issue on eBay.
Grade: D (Stripper pole clashes with your nursery decor.)

A DJ who works at bar called “Feelgoods” in Florida claims he saw Joel Madden flirting with two different blondes while partying after a Good Charlotte show. Nicole suspects he’s been cheating because the tabs have been rehashing this story for years and she can read. Their engagement may be off, but Star presents no evidence to back up this claim. Oh, and they’ve been “separated for a month,” as it says on the cover, because he’s on tour. Next: Star missed the memo on the Jillian Harris/Ed Swiderski breakup, but this may be the real reason for their split: Jillian took a job on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and they had some deal that they’d only do public appearances as a couple. Check out Naomi Campbell’s bald spot (image 11). Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick have huge credit card debts but they keep spending money on stupid shit like child-size Lamborghinis and Hermès baby blankets because Scott says, “you have to look like you have money to make money.” Idiot. Moving on: Kelsey Grammer’s wife Camille Donatacci may have been cheating on him with a “twentysomething hunk” at their home in L.A. while he was in N.Y. starring on Broadway. Blind Item: This A-lister comes off as a cool customer, but behind closed doors she stresses out about everything. Her partner’s been telling her to do what he does when he’s stressed — get stoned! She hasn’t taken his advice yet, but everyone wishes she would. The mag claims Prince William is having second thoughts about marrying Kate Middleton, though only three weeks ago, she was pregnant with is child. Star exitedly proclaims it has the “first photo” of Kendra Wilkinson’s deadbeat dad, like we care. However, this tidbit was interesting: Kendra’s dad is an “eccentric scientific genius.” He abandoned the family when she was three-years-old and went on to found four biotechnology companies. He retired a multimillionaire at the age of 48 and now lives in Costa Rica with his wife. He describes himself as a “full time surfer/occasional biotechnology consultant,” and also keeps a residence in a gated, upscale Florida nudist community.
Grade D (Having fun, fun, fun ’til Daddy takes your child-sized Lamborghini away.)

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