Weird and Wild Christmas Jams to Delight and Frighten the Whole Family

The scenario: your stepfather won’t stop playing Mannheim Steamroller because it’s so festive but also “experimental” and “cool.” The solution: convince him to let you play these “alternative” Christmas jams by making him think you’re letting him in on a secret that will make him even “cooler.”

Fetty Wap f. Monty, “Merry Christmas”

If you weren’t already convinced that 2015 MVP Fetty could write an earworm love song about anything, here the Paterson phenom and his capo Monty romance their women by promising Tiffany trips and A game. Most importantly, though, you don’t gotta get ‘em anything, girl: “Everyone’s in love with Christmas, it’s true,” he coos. “And all I want for Christmas is you.” Hope you’ve got a divan handy because you’re going to want to swoon on it.

Björk, “Jólakotturinn” (“Christmas Cat”)

In 1987, then-Sugarcubes lead singer Björk Guðmundsdóttir released this song in Icelandic, but the “Christmas cat” was not a tale of her own invention. In Icelandic folklore, according to the Reykjavík Grapevine, the Christmas Cat “eats children who don’t receive new clothes for Christmas.” While it’s tempting to question the logic—wouldn’t the cat instead just want to eat the parents who don’t buy their children new clothes for Christmas?—it’s also a song about a Christmas cat with an appetite for kids. In Scandinavia, for what it’s worth, the Christmas Cat is known as the Troll Cat. I bet it looks like the cat from Hausu.

Wiley, “Cheer Up It’s Christmas”

This 2011 jam from grime’s ice-cold don dada is relatable from jump—“I never liked Christmas much, I always tried to avoid it”—but he eventually comes around on the holiday when he remembers that with it comes an embarrassment of foodstuffs. At a certain point, “Cheer Up” just becomes a listicle of shit that’s on his family’s table: “Chicken wings, lamb, beef, pork, spoon, knife, fork, wine. Rosé or white are the options. Got the shot glasses, and I topped ‘em.” Suffice to say Wiley’s not a vegetarian, which probably provokes some interesting conversations with his avowed vegan friend JME, but “cheer up, bro, it’s Christmas.” This was officially released on an album called Evolve or Be Extinct, by the way. Definitely not a coincidence.