Our history is full of valiant and resolute explorers who ventured out into the vast unknown to better understand this little planet we call home—and also for their own personal gain.
Along the way those brave adventurers made some important discoveries. However, a look back reveals an inescapable pattern of people discovering places, people and things that had already been “discovered,” in the sense that people were living their lives in those places with those things before the sudden arrival of a white guy with a flag.
Let us now take some time to trace the history of the repeat discovery of a body part that many women noticed right after they hit puberty, looked down and realized that their lives would be a never-ending quest to find the perfect pair of jeans that don’t gap at the waist.
4000 BC: Adam discovers the ass
3050 BC: The Egyptians the ass
2000 BC: The Mayans discover the ass
121: Marcus Aurelius discovers the ass
436: Attila the Hun discovers the ass
1021: The Vikings discover the ass
1492: Christopher Columbus discovers the ass
July 25 1986: 2 Live Crew discovers the ass
February 4 1992: Sir Mix-a-Lot discovers the ass
May 29 2001: College newspapers discover the ass
April 2 2002: Fox News discovers the ass
March 1 2003: The Guardian discovers the ass
July 12, 2010: New York Daily News discovers the ass
June 6 2012: The Daily News discovers the ass
December 13 2013: Elle discovers the ass
January 2 2014: The New York Post discovers the ass
February 13 2014: Sports Illustrated discovers the ass
February 28th 2014: Time Magazine discovers the ass
April 2014: Vanity Fair discovers the ass
September 9 2014: Vogue discovers the ass
September 17 2014: The New York Times discovers the ass
November 11 2014: The Associated Press discovers the ass
This storied history is currently bookended by a woman whose life source is fed by the attention of others. Kim Kardashian’s unoriginal and problematic Paper cover is the latest reminder that wowzers, big butts exist. So yes, world, Kim’s ass is still there and it’s still big. What an important discovery for mankind.
Image by Jim Cooke