All the Dumb Food Crimes You Can Laugh At From This Week

By C.A. Pinkham | August 17, 2014 | 5:04pm

In Depth

Something must be in the water, because there were a surprising number of really dumb and/or bizarre food crimes this past week. Let’s take a look at them, shall we?

Woman Steals $4 Bottle of Wine to See Jailed Boyfriend, is Not Good at Thinking Shit Through

Most Popular

Alicia Walike of Cedar Park, Texas, just wanted to get to see her jailed (and unnamed) boyfriend, so she did what any reasonable person would do and went to lockup and asked to see him. Just kidding! She stole a $4 bottle of wine, then sat there drinking it outside the gas station, waiting for the cops to come arrest her. To her credit (is that the right word?), she wasn’t exactly opaque about her reasoning: she told the cops that this had been her plan.

There’s no word on whether she got to see her boyfriend (my guess is no, since even county lockups generally don’t throw men and women in the same cell last I checked), but she was freed on $5000 bond after being arrested for misdemeanor theft. Most expensive bottle of shitty wine ever.

Customer Orders From McDonald’s, Then Tries to Rob the Place

It’s a testament to human stupidity that Alicia Walike might not actually be the dumbest food criminal this week. That honor probably has to go to Brandon Lang, a 22-year-old Costa Mesa, California resident, who tried to rob a McDonald’s after ordering food from the place only minutes earlier. Lang evidently thought that wrapping a t-shirt around his head would disguise him, maybe because he’d seen all the Superman movies and thought Clark Kent had found an impenetrable disguise loophole (I’m guessing). I’m going to quote verbatim from Sgt. Doug Johnson of the Costa Mesa PD:

“That was a very bad idea,” he said.

Thanks, Sgt. Johnson! This one gets funnier when you realize how incompetent the robbery attempt actually was: after demanding employees open the cash register with his t-shirt wrapped around his head and not even trying to pretend he had a weapon, the McDonald’s employees told him they were unable to do so. So Lang came around the counter and started trying to pull the register open himself. Meanwhile, bystanders had started calling the cops. When they arrived shortly thereafter, Lang sprinted from the restaurant, sans cash, and didn’t get very far before he was arrested.

Shocker: they’re pretty sure Lang was drunk the whole time.

Wendy’s Worker Gets Pulled Through the Drive-Thru Window, Assaulted

Dayton, Ohio police arrested a man after he pulled a Wendy’s employee through the drive-thru window in order to attack him.

Larry Harrison apparently refused to move his car from the drive-thru, and the unnamed victim suspected he was drunk. It’s uncertain what ultimately led to Harrison pulling the victim through the window and assaulting him, though the man didn’t suffer any serious injuries.

This doesn’t get dumb until you realize that Harrison wasn’t actually arrested at the time of the crime — he actually left, after which the cops were called, and then came back later, at which point he was promptly snagged. Not the sharpest move to return to the scene of the crime, there, Larry.

Since this story is not funny in any way, let’s all remember the time University of Kansas Defensive End Dion Rayford got himself wedged, Winnie the Pooh-style, in a Taco Bell drive-thru window.

McDonald’s Manager Arrested for Credit Card Fraud After She Tries to Steal From a U.S. Marshal

Here’s one about criminals who were completely sober.* The couple arrested here, probably not coincidentally, also get points for being the least incompetent (but still pretty incompetent) criminals in this post. So…well done? No. Not well done at all.

An unnamed U.S. Marshal accidentally left his credit card at a McDonald’s in Shelby County, Tennessee. After he retrieved it the next day, he noticed that $600 in unauthorized charges had popped up in the interval. Justifiably suspicious, he reported it to police, who tracked down surveillance footage of McDonald’s manager Crystal Thompson and her boyfriend Harry Hudson using the card.

Here’s where it gets crazy: after searching Thompson and Hudson’s home, the police discovered 84 bogus cards, card readers, and other paraphernalia related to massive credit card fraud. The duo had also been involved in a similar situation back in March involving a customer, when Hudson was charged but Thompson wasn’t. Despite the fact that she’d been investigated for credit card fraud of one of her customers, she had been allowed to keep working there.

Way to go on that one, McDonald’s.

* C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER!

Image via pogonici/Shutterstock. You have no idea how badly I wanted to use a Hamburglar image, and how much it saddens me that none was available.