American Duke Charlie Sheen Is Engaged (Again)

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The Sheen men— Martin, Charlie and Emilio — are a prime example of American celebrity nobility, so, to mock the absurd way actual nobles and royals are still celebrated in certain frivolous, Grinch-shaped (concentrate on the bottom and imagine a Santa cap) islands around the world, we ought to spend this Sunday celebrating the latest engagement of America’s most misbehaving duke. Charlie Sheen, whose entire life in the public eye is a parody of a tragedy, will be getting married for the fourth time to porn star Brett Rossi.

Brett & Charlie 4 Evsies became a real possibility this weekend when the couple went to Hawaii for an extended Valentine’s Day of binge-watching House of Cards in between luaus. That’s when Charlie proposed, probably in some endearingly over-the-top way, maybe putting several drops of his blood in in Brett’s champagne and whispering, “You have consumed my essence. At the next Solar eclipse, you will become a panther queen and I, your lithe young Mogli, will ride you into battle against Shere Khan and his evil army of tigers. From Mercury.” [People]

  • Speaking of engagements, Katy Perry might also have one with Drunk Johnny Depp impersonator John Mayer, just the sort of Charlie Sheen-esque douche who would propose on Valentine’s Day. [Daily Mail]
  • Cough syrup spokesperson Katherine Heigl and aspiring cough syrup spokesperson Alexis Bledel will make out hard in the new movie Jenny’s Wedding, which is subtitled, “At Jenny’s Wedding, Katherine Heigl and Alexis Bledel will kiss and there MAY be tongue-action and a little face-gripping.” [E!]
  • Giggle pixie Elizabeth Banks said that no one loves cake more than Jennifer Lawrence, which would seem like a really shitty, passive-aggressive jab if not for two indisputable facts: Elizabeth Banks is delightful and JLaw totally stole the first piece of Banks’s birthday cake like some sort of birthday tax assessor. JLaw is the Sheriff of Nottingham of birthdays. [Cosmo]
  • “I prefer a long run because I love the runner’s high,” Katie Holmes told Shape magazine in between long, indulgent sniffs from the newest Nike running shoe at her local Lady Foot Locker. She added (totally off the record), “When that new shoe smells hits your nostrils, it’s like OMFG I just want a zombie apocalypse to wipe the human population so I can run and run and run on empty city streets.” [Shape]
  • Kim Kardashian tweeted a picture of three pairs of red Yeezys followed by “#Famleezys,” which is exactly how Tom Haverford would describe his family’s set of Yeezys if he wasn’t so hard at work in his party laboratory. [E!]
  • Justin Bieber wants to move to the sprawling hellpit known as Atlanta, which is a metropolitan area in the Southern United States populated exclusively by zombies and ruled by the Coca Cola, Delta Airlines, and CNN corporate triumvirate. [TMZ]
  • Benedict Cumberbatch not only has a weird name — he has a weird face, too. [THR]
  • Where there’s an Oscar nominee, there’s a lawsuit: two dudes are suing Spike Jonze for stealing Her. [TMZ]
  • John Henson, son of Jim Henson and heir to the Muppet dynasty, has died suddenly of a heart attack. He was 48. [CNN]
  • The puffy-nippled stars of Party Down South want more money because, at this current moment in time, they’re only making $500 an episode to have sex with and vomit upon one another. [TMZ]
  • I like Wes Anderson fine, but this Daily Beast article that’s supposed to make us respect him for being a “hardass” who doesn’t allow script tinkering and does dozens of takes really just makes me want to hear Wes Anderson fart so I can confirm, for my own private reasons, that he does in fact have an anus. I mean, if you don’t have an anus, that’s fine — I don’t want to flaunt my anus privilege or anything. It’s just that I find it difficult to trust the non-anused among us. It seems like they’re all just walking around like tiny flesh volcanos waiting to explode. [Daily Beast]

Image via Getty

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