Can I Interest You in an Erotic Downton Abbey Getaway?

By Kelly Faircloth | September 9, 2014 | 2:40pm

Hope you haven’t already blown your 2015 travel budget on some boring beach trip, because I’ve got a corker for ya: An “erotic” adventure at a real-deal English castle, specially designed to evoke Downton Abbey—but raunchier! It’s billed as “Pleasure Castle.”

Lord Crawley, you dog. (Not feeling good about that one.)

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The Exeter Express & Echo, a local news outlet, got the scoop. ShoesOnly.com, a company specializing in “exotic and erotic vacations,” has booked up Dartmoor’s luxurious Bovey Castle for an exclusive July 2015 vacation package. So there’ll be no unaffiliated churchgoers wandering through. “Think a sexy and erotic Downton Abbey,” promises the website. Activities range from sexy pool parties to tennis! The event is “an erotic mix of midevil history, excitement, glamour and adventure.” Midevil. MIDEVIL.

“Our criteria in selecting venues is to find beautiful 5-star properties around the world which offer our members, who are all serious travellers, the opportunity to explore and visit wonderful and interesting places in a private setting,” said a spokesman for the company. “They are quite popular and are no different then any other niche market group designed to allow like-minded people to share a vacation experience together.”

I’d rather follow a bunch of naked sex enthusiasts than anybody who’s ever even seen a bedbug, that’s for damn sure. (Besides, it’s not like your average hotel guest hesitates to fuck on that mattress.)

Though I must admit, I was hoping for something a little more Sleep No More/Eyes Wide Shut. Or at least some real commitment to Edwardian debauchery. Unfortunately, the flyer suggests second-tier Ren Faire. And indeed, promised attractions include “A sexy Renaissance fair on the lawn.” Never mind that the mansion was built in 1907 and has been a hotel since 1930. God, it’s like boners don’t even care about historical accuracy.

(h/t New York Daily News)