Carousels and Baton-Twirls: The Bachelorette by the Numbers, Episode 4


Guys, I think something happened to Desiree. I don’t know who wronged this woman, but if they don’t step forward soon, our bachelorette will continue to punish these poor contestants. Making them travel to Atlantic City?! No rose is worth that. And yet…these dashing young men continue to stand trial through all of your tests. Making Brad prove his grasp of dinner conversation? Forcing half your dates to wear knee-length bathing suits? (God knows these men wish to be buried in their Speedos.) Taking James to the Jersey Shore and not letting him G, T, or L? It’s like watching the near-destruction of the little bunny that lives inside of him. I’m surprised Des didn’t just squash all the roses and make dem petals rain. Where has the light and playful and happy-go-lucky Desiree gone? Where’s the fairy princess in the fairy princess story? One can only pray the next stop on the journey around the world takes her back to a land of rainbows and sunshine and restores her goodwill towards, not just these men, but humanity itself…

Anddddd we’re going to Germany. Sure.

Season 9, Episode 4

13: Potential suitors.

2: Number of men “super excited” about Atlantic City.

0: Percent true are you. (Come on, boys. Let’s call a spade a spade.)

1-3: Trumpets used to try to make Atlantic City seem glamorous.

0: Clarity this description provides as to why in Harrison’s name they are in Atlantic City – “It’s basically like Las Vegas on the ocean.”

2: Words never before used to describe Atlantic City outside of the context, “This place is the opposite of” – 1) “magnificent” 2) “amazing.”

17: Times I’ve been on a carousel in my life and, magically, nothing has happened on it. Swing and a miss, Zak W.

30: Words Brad can get out on any given day. Seriously, the man is dead behind the eyes.

170: Minimum number of unseen past Bachelor/Bachelorette conversations that were, in fact, as boring as this one. And yet…

8: Approximate number of flights of stairs you must climb before I dump you, my dear.

3: Kinds of love that can “light the darkness”—love of fire, love of electricity, love of solar power. Sorry, Des.

10: Seconds the mystical creature/unicorn-adjacent Desiree can be seen at a given moment, per Brooks.

92: Years since the first Miss America pageant.

92?: Years since this franchise first began?

100: Percent appalled. How have we not done Mr. America before?!

0: Men in this world that could make baton-twirling sexy… until Juan Pablo.

Over 500: Train stations served by Amtrak alone. What are the odds of having a “train wreck at every station???”

Only 1: Way to describe a Mr. America pageant being staged on the Mr. America pageant that is The Bachelorette – “A hodgepodge of tom foolery.”

2: People Chris Harrison could totally be in that black suit with skinny tie – 1) Chris Harrison 2) Batman.

0: Mayors of Atlantic City to ever see such a display of pectoral muscles before this guy.

1: Possible answer to “Are you a giver or a taker?” that will let a man succeed

2-3: Times a week Chris thinks is appropriate to “dine at a restaurant.”

4-5: Times a week Chris subsists solely on protein powder and Beach Bum.

0: More “I don’t get why you watch this show” comments allowed, thanks to this important quote by Lady Desiree: “As Bryden is pelvic thursting, I…Oh, this poor mayor.”

2: Man boobs dancing on their own!

360: Full circumference of eyeball visible on Zak W.

2: Poets on this show. Not counting the ones who don’t even know it.

At least 6: Passengers aboard the wahmbulance headed to run over Ben.

:’-( : Sad, sad James on his sad, sad helicopter.

2: On a scale of 10, where 10 is “cool” and 0 is “so not cool” = Where James would put Hurricane Sandy.

39: Years Manny & Jan have been married.

39: Seconds it took Manny & Jan to steal my heart.

2: Things that make it clear that Desiree & James’s love is so, so real and so, so down to earth – pizza and beer.

1: Secret James never should’ve admitted to Desiree. Once a cheater…

3: Too many Manny and Jan scenes. The love is gone.

½: Of their private concert that Des and James let Manny and Jan experience.

2: Times Jan had to say “so sexy” to Manny to bring back my lovin’ feelins.

4: Letters Michael G. left out of Desiree’s name when creating his acrostic poem. Thank the lord Sean called her “Des.”

0: Times the person meant “distance-wise” when they asked “how close are you with your family?”

A lot: Of friends that have probably kissed, Des. But nice try.

4: Words Mikey stole from Jan, re: Manny – “You make me sweat.”

1: Munich. At least the bar is low.

: Times I ever want to see good-looking people sent to Atlantic City ever again. It’s just cruel.

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