Cows Join Dating App


In these dazzling times of revivals and reversals, has the moment finally come to abandon the colloquial and concupiscent definition of “horny” for the original late 14th century usage “made of horn?” A new app suggests that cows can, in fact, have it all.

Bloomberg reported earlier this week that Tudder, a U.K. farming startup that purports to help breeders match cows with bulls, is marketing itself as a dating app. Tinder, but for cattle. Which, come to think of it would make a great slogan for the human dating app as it adopts the perspective of the dissatisfied consumer, selling back to her the lightly ironic sensibility the soul-masticating app had briefly robbed her of.

Tudder (Tuddr??) reportedly works like a charm. Its basic mechanism is that of Tinder: swipe right for a modicum of stultifying interest, left for would rather be trampled. Swiping right links you to to the website SellMyLivestock. With every swipe, the app moos, cows love it. 42,000 farms are reportedly represented on the app. Descriptions of prospective mates include “nice big strong sorts make nice suckler cows” and “quiet well grown young bull ready to work.” Disturbed? Love is a risk.

This is a great opportunity to be dated-and-or-mauled-and-or-milked before Valentine’s Day, how lucky are cows to have options.

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