Crap Instant Message From A Chick: "If I Ever See You On The Street, You Better Cross"


While in the early stages of a recently deceased relationship, you should really eliminate all forms of communication for a significant period of time until things cool down — especially instant messaging. It makes everyone turn into typo-riddled, grammatically-challenged spazcakes.

Regardless of who-did-what-to-whom or who skipped their medication that day, no one comes away a winner. Even the most sane, rational human being can become lost in this contextual bear trap of all-caps fury and hollowing vitriol. There’s a reason why you resort to expressing yourself differently in this line of communication than under normal, face-to-face circumstances: because it’s so evil and twisted that you’d probably be the most awful human being on earth if you treated people like this in “real” life. But we all have our weak moments. Unfortunately, some of these things stay in our inboxes forever as a cruel reminder that, sometimes, shit falls apart. It’s better to walk away the next time and shut off the cursed machines for a couple weeks as to avoid any embarrassing on-line interactions like this at work. I’m sure you can keep up with the not-so-thrilling plot. And I apologize in advance for all the typos.

HER: i’m sure you already know. but i will not be
attending ****’s party on SAT for your sake.
HER: wanted to make sure you could go with your
friends and not feel awkward by me being there.
HIM: well, thanks, I guess.
HER: belwieve i’d love to go, but i figured you be
there and wouldn’e want me around, is that correct?
HER: or do you think you can suck it up for the
HER: cause, honestly these are my friends too…i
just don’t know what to do about ….
HER: forget what i said before. in thinking it
thru, i’ve decided that i’m gonna go. and if its
terribly werid between us then i promise i’ll leave.
i’m not going to hide from you and screw up my social
life on account of you not wanting to see me. this was
a party we were invited individually to rather than as
a couple and in thinking about it i have just as much
right to be there as you do. so sorry for mininforming
you earlier.
HER: signed off at 3:52:14 PM.
HER signed on at 3:52:36 PM.
HER: you’re lack of protest on the party
situation, leads me to believe that you are ok with me
coming. let’s just try to be grown ups when we see
eachother for *****s sake, okay.
HIM: You really have to go back and look at this IM
strain. I’ve said nothing about anything. You want to
make a big deal out of this, go ahead.
HER: i’m not.
HER: you’re the one who doesn’t want to be around
me…so i was just giving you the heads up.
HER: ourt of respect for you.
HIM: ****, just relax. Live your life. Go to the
party, don’t go to the party, I don’t care. Just stop
going back and forth and making a big thing out of it
just for the sake of doing so.
HER: i’m sorry you feel that’s what i was doing.
you’ve made a big stink about not wanting to be
anywhere near me…so i was trying to cover all my
bases. and making sure you would be comfortable with
my being there. and didn’t think i was stalking you or
something by going. i wes trying to be repsectful.
HIM: Big stink?
HER: it’s an exp[ression.
HER: you’ve made it clear we cannot hang out, so i
was checking on whether or not that aplied to party.
HER: and seriously, you couldn’t even look me in
the eye yesterday…so forgive me for wondering if it
was all right by you for me to show up
HIM: ****, do you not understand how you’re
acting? How you’ve acted in the past four days? Do you
really honestly think that makes anybody—not just
me—comfortable? You’ve done nothing but be back and
forth and pulled stuff out of your ass and swinging
blindly at everything just to start fights/then
apologize/then do something else/then act like
everything is normal. It’s not. You’re not, right now.
You’ve called no less than 25 times, e-mailed the same
way, and then basically had IM conversations with
yourself and drawn your own conclusions aobut things.
My suggestion to you, for your sake, is to just. You’re making the issue here, not me. And I
won’t look you in the eye, talk to you, converse with
you because you’ve been completely irrational from the
get go.
HER: you are so childish **. if it helps you sleep
better at night to blame me for being irrational and
to avoid confrontation because POOR ** is exhausted
and has problems in his life, that’s fine. i’ve been
bitcchy at times, i’ll admit, but you haven’t exactly
handled this situation like a grown up either. i
sincerely hope you feel guilty as hell for how you
treated me before and after our breakup. you are one
of the most emotionally distant people i have ever
met. and everything i said yesterday in that email was
the truth…although perhaps said a bit too harshly.
and what’s so irrational about trying to be someone’s
friend after they dump you. is that really so awful?
you’re impossible. fuck you.
HER: you and *** deserve eachother. go wallow in
your own fucking miserable lives.
HER: you’ve offically succeeded in making me
despise you. congratulations, i know that’s what you
were after. cause it makes everything easier on you.
just how you like it. at least i realize now you
weren’t eve good enough for me.
HER: and what exactly have i pulled out of my ass?
HER: you’re fducking making shit up now?
HIM: Why do you even want to continue this
HER: because up until yuesterday i have been
nothing but caring and kind to you despite how you
have treated me. i have not lied about anything at all
or bad mouthed oyu to friends…so i’d like to know
just exactly what i’ve pulled out of my ass.
HIM: ****, I’m sorry. We’re not speaking anymore.
Don’t IM me anymore. Please.
HER: you are such a dick **.
HER: fuck off
HER: why don’t you b,lcok me too like your best
HER: you can form an I hate **** club
HER: sinc eapparently i’m such an awful personl
HER: and to think i tried to be kind to you after
you broke up with me and supportibve and all i get is
shit bck from you
(ED. Note. Blocked. But then…)
HER2: you’re a cocksucker. i can’t fucking
beleive you’re blocking. if i ever see you on the
street you better cross. no wonder why none of your
relationships last. you’refucking pyschotic.
HER: i have 2 screen names. i can’t beleive you
and **** are both 13 yrs old. i hate you both.
(Ed. Note: And then the next day…she was unblocked.)
HER: all i’ll say is i’m sorry for my outburst. i
am the pyscho one not you. i’m acting like a fucking
lunatic. you will never hear from me again, i promise.
HER signed off at 5:24:56 PM.
HER signed on at 5:25:26 PM.
HER: oops one more thing. i don’t hate you at all.
i think i really had fallen in love with you…which
is why i’ve been acting like such a CUNT.
so….that’s all. take care of yourself.


Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Share Tweet Submit Pin