Dancing With the Stars Made History, Baby!

The lights are on. The confetti is being swept. The mirrorball trophy, lovingly packed into its crate, is on its way to Iman Shumpert’s house where it rightfully belongs. Congratulations to Shumpert, and also to his wife Teyana Taylor, who must’ve been working harder than a sequin seamstress on this show getting her man into shape to win this thing.

The finale of this season was loaded with enough talent that it was a toss-up as to who would win. Although it was very clear that our beloved Cody Rigsby was not going to be the queen of the dance floor, he certainly turned up the effort over the last few weeks and did his Peloton devotees proud.

For the finale, the couples were tasked with two performances: The first was a mashup of two dance styles they’d previously done and, the second, a freestyle where there apparently were no rules. For this final turn around the dance floor, we took a look at the freestyle because we also love throwing the rules out the window.

Pedaling Off Into the Sunset

Shannon: In the package for this dance, Cheryl makes a comment about how she and Cody will be friends forever. I do not believe for a second that these two people will continue to socialize once they’re no longer contractually obligated to like each other. As far as this performance goes, it was amateur night at the strip club meets beginner vogue class. It was very fun to watch, even though it wasn’t worth the 10s across the board that Cody received. I’m glad everyone had a good time. 8/10

Megan: I’m glad they saved this sequined blouse and pant combo for Cody’s last hurrah, which was full of energy, but, technically speaking, rather lackluster. As my colleague Shannon notes above, the dance itself was very much the showstopper routine one might perform at a bachelorette party, after many White Claw vodka spritzers, but I suppose that tracks with Cody’s entire thing. 8/10 for the outfit alone.

Sky Full of Boredom

Shannon: This girl loves a lyrical dance!!! There is nothing new under the sun!!!!! 7/10

Megan: Listen, I admire the dedication to the lyrical dance as much as the next gal, but I’m not moved by this number. However, it’s an achievement to get to this level in this competition anyway, so my rating for Ms. Kloots is the equivalent of a participation trophy. 6/10, because she at least showed up.

Welcome to the JoJo Spectacular

Shannon: This was absolutely JoJo’s moment to scream from the top of her lungs that she is going to grow up to be a lesbian icon and will not settle for anything less. It was all energy, sparkles, and, most importantly, all JoJo. I really have to credit this young lady with finding her shtick and owning it so thoroughly. I really believe that this glitter bomb is her genuine personality. She was born and bred for stardom. 10/1o

Megan: I realize now watching this performance that JoJo didn’t need to win this competition because she is already a star. But it’s still nice to see someone at the height of their powers executing what they do best so well, and for that, I am grateful to Mrs. Hair Bow and her energy, which is infectious. 10/10, she was born this way, hello.

You’re a winner, baby

Shannon: During this season there was a lot of focus on JoJo making history, but it turns out that Iman Shumpert also made history by being the only NBA player to make it to the finale and win the whole damn thing. Started from the bottom now we here, sitting atop Iman’s shoulders waving around the shiny trophy! 10/10

Megan: It was a smart move to let Iman move all of his long-ass limbs however he fucking wants, instead of just relying on his physical strength and his ease in lifting his partner. What I love about this performance is that he’s having a whole lot of fun and has shown remarkable improvement since the beginning of this program, and honestly, that’s all I want! To be clear, he’s not the best dancer, but he does have the most heart, and I think in this competition, as well as in life, that matters. 1000/10, you did it, bud.