Elon Musk Turns Down Twitter Board Seat, and We Have Some Ideas About Why!

The billionaire man-child may be preparing to buy a lot more of the website. Not ideal.

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Elon Musk Turns Down Twitter Board Seat, and We Have Some Ideas About Why!
Photo:SUZANNE CORDEIRO/AFP via Getty Images (Getty Images)

Elon Musk, a man with the maturity level of a second grader, has turned down a board seat at Twitter after acquiring a 9.2% stake in the company.

Musk is currently the largest shareholder of the company and had previously agreed to join Twitter’s board. On Sunday night, however, after Musk had already posted a photo of himself smoking weed with the caption “Twitter’s next board meeting is gonna be lit,” Twitter CEO Parag Agrawal tweeted that Musk would no longer take his official seat, but that the company would remain “open to his input.”

At first glance, this sounds like fantastic news for those of us of sound mind who do not want the richest man in the world worth $276 billion in hoarded wealth (at the expense of his own factory workers) to control what we can and cannot say on the internet. This also, in theory, sounds nice because the last thing we need is a man who thinks Hitler memes are appropriate to have more undue influence over our everyday lives and communication.

However, on Monday, two theories arose regarding more nefarious motivations behind Musk’s relinquished board seat: As part of the initial agreement for Musk to join the board, according to CNN, the notoriously thin-skinned manchild had agreed not to acquire more than 14.9% of the company while on the board. Some critics and reporters are now speculating that Musk stepping away from his board seat might actually mean he’s planning to acquire even more of the company’s shares.

Considering he filed a report in which he lied to the SEC, claiming he was a “passive investor” with “no aims to change or influence ownership of the company,” there’s reason to believe he might change course unexpectedly again. He was also 11 days late in declaring to the SEC that he owned a large stake in Twitter, which the Washington Post estimates may have earned him $156 million—just in case you thought maybe Musk really was getting involved simply because he cares DEEPLY about free speech!!

The second theory is that Twitter may have wanted Musk to shut the fuck up online, which we know he is incapable of given the constant hissy fits and “informative” polls he posts, or that he didn’t pass a simple background check. After Musk posed a question about whether Twitter “rigorously adheres” to free speech protections (70% responded no), the Daddy to eight future trust fund babies responded ominously, “The consequences of this poll will be important. Please vote carefully.” In a since-deleted tweet, he recommended that the social media company drop the “W” from its name and, instead, become “Titter,” inline with a previous joke he made about forming TITS University, which is so funny coming from a sexual harassment apologist! In the wake of his involvement with Twitter, Musk, has historically done nothing at all for unhoused communities, also recommended that the company turn its headquarters into a “homeless shelter…since no one show up anyway.”

All of these scenarios are Very Bad for the commonwealth of the people, so I’d personally recommend that Musk return to the definitely not Apartheid-related emerald mines from whence he came. Goodbye Elon.

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