For Your Consideration: The Royal Trumpet Mushroom 

The Royal Trumpet mushroom also looks like a dick, perhaps even the president’s dick, which was described by Stormy Daniels in her forthcoming book as “smaller than average” and possessing a “huge mushroom head” much like “a toadstool.”

“God, the one on the right even has a vein,” remarked contributor Esther Wang after reviewing an image of the mushroom. “Stop.” She was quick, however, to defend their culinary merit: “Those are delicious,” she explained. “Velvety texture.”

“Curved,” staff writer Ashley Reese observed.

“I hate mushrooms. I hate this,” said features editor Stassa Edwards. “I hate you all.”