Buying gifts for people you like is hard enough, but what about people you loathe? Herewith, some excellent passive-aggressive presents that put that stocking full of coal to shame.
Breezy Singers
This is a little bird that makes noise whenever it moves. An especially good gift for people you hate who are about to go on long car trips. Or live on houseboats. Even those who have to travel home from your holiday gathering are liable to suffer at least moments of pure annoyance courtesy of Breezy Singers.
Singing Bird Clock
Yeah, I was that kid with a “thing for birds.” So when I tell you that shit that makes bird noises is annoying, I know whereof I speak. Want to kind of mildly scare someone every hour on the hour for several months, or until they overcome their guilt and throw your gift out? Purchase this clock that plays a different bird song every time the hour tolls! Bonus: it’s supposed to have a light sensor that keeps it from singing at night, but nod off in a slightly too well-lit room and a giant goldfinch is going to invade your nightmares.
Sticky Hands
These guys cleverly masquerade as a fun stocking-stuffer. And they’re super-entertaining at a holiday party: they stick to the ceiling, they stick to the floor, they stick to your wineglass, they stick to the door! Wheeee! Then it’s four a.m. and you’re standing on a chair trying to pry sticky hands off your ceiling and imagining what your obit’s going to look like if you slip and fall and happen to die like this. A great gift for people with small children, or graduate students. $4.99 gets you way more than you could ever want or need.
The Best of Barney
If you have never seen Barney & Friends, you are fortunate. If you have, you’ll know that everyone under 5 loves it, and that among those over 5 it has been known to cause panic attacks, vomiting, and total personality breakdown. Buy this for someone with kids and watch for their hollow, empty eyes the next time you see them. You have destroyed their soul.
Stupid Kitchen Gadgets
These are great because they will initially seem useful and thoughtful, but then will just clutter up the hated person’s kitchen until said person does a major kitchen cleanout, which for most people is approximately never. If you’re really good, you can instill your hate-ee with a feeling of perverse attachment to the item, such that he/she will not be able to throw it away even in the event of a cleanout, “because it was a gift.” I like this “strawberry huller” — so cute! So unnecessary! Its only flaw is that it doesn’t take up that much space — you could pair it with this “garnish slicer,” for all those times your enemy needs to slice a fucking garnish.
USB Scent Flower
Perhaps you hate everyone in an entire office? Consider the “USB Scent Flower,” which plugs into a computer’s USB port and then emits the smell of either lavender or chamomile. Really, anything that spews fake scent is a good bet for pissing people off, but the Scent Flower really kicks the “home fragrance” product area up a notch by potentially transforming it into “work fragrance.” Also, it will tie up a USB port your enemy could actually be using for a real device — at least until one of his/her coworkers forcibly unplugs the thing and tosses it out a window.
Ayn Rand Box Set
Give this set (includes The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged) to a teenager. If you hate her, rest assured that the work of Ayn Rand will either a) fully poison her mind, making her into an obnoxious person whom only assholes want to be friends with, or b) so disgust her that she sees the error of her self-centered ways and becomes a better human being. If you hate her parents, even better: they’ll have to deal with her bullshit about how enlightened self-interest means she doesn’t have to do the dishes. Warning: this gift does not work if the people you hate are already Objectivists.
Mr. Wonderful
This is a horrifying talking doll that says “wonderful” things like, “You know, I think it’s really important that we talk about our relationship.” And if the idea of talking about your “relationship” with a 13″-tall doll-husband isn’t scary or insulting enough for you, try the “Mr. Perfect Caucasian Doll,” who says stuff like “I’ve got an Idea!!! Let’s invite your parents over for dinner.” This guy retails for a whopping $59.99 — leave the pricetag on to show the world how much your hate is worth.