Here Is A List Of People I Challenge to a Recreational Fight


Do you have joules and joules of potential energy saved up inside your little fists, but because of your demeanor and general situation can’t do anything about it except slap around a sandbag and then go home and cry? Then have I got an app for you.

Rumblr is an app like Grindr or Bumble, except instead of for finding a partner for sex, it will find you a partner for FIGHTING. In its own words:

Rumblr is an app for recreational fighters to find, meet, and fight other brawl enthusiasts nearby.
You don’t need to fight to use Rumblr. With Rumblr Explore, anyone can browse and attend fights close by that other Rumblr users have arranged – all for free!

Everyday when I walk down the street, I have a testosterone orchestra blasting through my headphones and even though the app hasn’t officially launched and it’s unclear when it will, I am ready to suck fhit up, whether that’s girl on girl or girl on angsty teenage dude.

So, if you are on the below list, consider yourself summoned for a public street fight at a location that suits us both:

  1. Ted Cruz: Would love to see you feel real pain.
  2. Mark Zuckerberg: Your face was made for punching with my fists.
  3. Every stranger who told my parents I was cute growing up: Hey, fuck you guys, I’m right here.
  4. Regis Philbin: Seriously? You’re gonna look confused like you don’t know what you did? K. Wow.
  5. Justin Bieber: It would be sooo cute to see him try soooo hard to escape from my iron grip.
  6. My high school history teacher who told me I had an anxiety disorder: You were right, but also, you’re terrible.
  7. Tosh.0/Anthony Jeselnik: Are you different awful people?
  8. Ben Carson: Just want to see light in your eyes for once 🙁
  9. My former boss who will remain nameless who told me my heart “probably wasn’t in research”: Yeah, you’re right. It’s in street fighting.
  10. Justin Trudeau: We’d fight and fight and end up kissing :).
  11. The orthodox Jewish boy I lost my virginity to: What’s up now that I’m an acclaimed adult street fighter and you’re just an orthodox Jewish high schooler?
  12. Ellen Degeneres: Just as a publicity stunt and then we’d laugh and you’d surprise me with a trip to the White House.

Contact the author at [email protected].

Image via Rumblr.

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