How Drunk Is the Fox & Friends Twitter Account?

By Madeleine Davies  |  September 23, 2013 | 7:45pm
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Tweeting while drunk! We’ve all been there. You go out, you go hard and then wake up the next morning to find that you’ve sent 35 tweets to John Stamos, all telling him what a big Jesse and the Rippers fan you are and “Oh my go !! Add me back ru still with Aunt Becck?!!?!11”

Let she who is without sin cast the first stone, I always say! Which is why I’m not gonna throw any rocks at the Fox & Friends twitter account for consistently tweeting while totally blitzed. Do we have proof of this? No, but the tweets speak for themselves.

So let’s (without passing judgment) rank how drunk on Arbor Mist — because, really, what else would they drink? — the Fox & Friends twitter account had to be when it tweeted the following.

Glasses of Arbor Mist: 1

Symptoms of drunkenness: Wonders if Fox & Friends studio is big enough to get a dog, starts browsing PetFinder.

Glasses of Arbor Mist: 2

Symptoms of drunkenness: Hasselbeck pre-excuses any missteps in speech; knows she’s about to get silly on giggle juice. This tweet is the equivalent of the “Girls and me getting hella drunk tonight! Sorry in advance to bartenders everywhere;)” Facebook status update used by college students across the country.

Glasses of Arbor Mist: 4

Symptoms of drunkenness: Tweeted on the cab ride home while Jewel’s heart is still bursting with drunken affection. Tomorrow she will have so hangover.

Glasses of Arbor Mist: 5

Symptoms of drunkenness: Begins confusing syntax, wonders aloud what ‘WTF’ means, starts feeling nostalgia for the old days. Depression to set in shortly.

Glasses of Arbor Mist: 7

Symptoms of drunkenness: Statements become questions (“ask the gov?”); sloppy political tweets are heavy on outrage, light on substance

Glasses of Arbor Mist: 9

Symptoms of drunkenness: Wants to go to strip club, but doesn’t want to be the one who first suggests going to the strip club. Excuses self to go throw up in the studio bathroom/under Steve Doocy’s desk.

Glasses of Arbor Mist: Two full bottles…each.

Symptoms of drunkenness: Good weed, white wine. We fall asleep in the daytime.

 
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