It’s Day 3 of Jezebel’s March Madness competition, Internet vs. IRL, blue pills vs. red pills, hack attacks vs. shark attacks, etc. etc. As always, vote for the teams that you like best, the ones that make your heart twerk with glee, the ones that make your body say: “Yas.”
At long last, it is time to place votes for the remainder of Round 1, starting in the IRL Social Division:
First, we have Facial Expressions (8) vs. Strippers (9). This is tough, folks! Facial expressions are a pretty cool conversational trick for the laconic gal, but the same could be said for hanging upside down from a pole. It’ll be the hardest decision of your life, but I’m right here with you!
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Next up: Making Out At a Bar (5) vs. Getting “Set Up” By Your Friends (12). A brutal match-up, right here! Sloppy or formal? Sex or love? Or, let’s put it this way: Who do you trust more? Your inebriated, misfiring pheromone-sensors, or an overeager Smug Married who thinks you should lower your standards? The choice is yours:
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And here comes Restaurants (4) vs. Spanx (13)! These are two splurges that do not live in harmony, am I right? Vote now:
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Wow, I’m hearing some blood-curdling screams coming from the court! Looks like it’s Having a Baby (6) vs. Doctors (11). What’ll it be?
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Next, it’s a battle between Makeup (3) and Thanksgiving With Your Republican Relatives (14). An unlikely pairing, for sure, but hey—I’m not a scientist!
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And now, Men Who Jog In Bicycle Shorts (7) vs. IMAX (10). Both are surreal, but only one will take this round:
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And finally, the match we’ve all been waiting for: Attending Other People’s Weddings (2) vs. Getting Punched In The Face (15). Which is more enjoyable? Which will incite feelings of deep shame and regret? Which will you recover from first? Let’s find out:
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And now, ladies and babies, it is time for us to move on to the IRL Antisocial Divison.
First up, we have Redecorating (8) vs. Grocery Shopping When You’re Hungry (9). It’s hard for me to be neutral here, as I recently marched up to a Whole Foods counter and announced, with the confidence and verve of a young billionaire: “I’ll take your best cheese.”
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Moving on! It’s Romance Novels (5) vs. Losing Touch (12), y’all, and which will it be? Jilling off to a torrid love scene on a pirate ship, or not knowing what any of yesterday’s Internet terms meant?
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Next, we have Libraries (4) vs. Cemeteries (13)—a choice that’s been around as long as horny college couples have had roommates. THE DECISION IS YOURS.
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Hello, old friends! It’s Old Photo Albums (6) vs. Popping Your Own Zits (11), two activities that really toe the line between pleasure and pain. Your call:
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Being a Cat Lady (3) vs. Getting Robbed (14) is up next, and only one will make for a cool story to tell on dates. I’ll leave it to you:
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We’re nearing the end, people! Here comes Watching a Crying Drunk Girl Yell At Her Boyfriend (7) vs. Ignoring Phone Calls (10). Man, isn’t participation overrated?
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Last up: Canceling Plans At The Last Minute (2) vs. Cable News (15). There is no better feeling, really, than the sweet selfishness of a night on the couch—that is, until you flick on the TV and find out that ISIS is coming to town! Your vote, please:
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That’s it for Round 1, folks—we’ll have results (and the beginnings of Round 2) on Monday. Here’s a bracket, if you haven’t grabbed one already:
You have 24 hours to vote!