Mila Kunis Is Pregnant, Declare Tabloid Gynecologists

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Today in unbaby news, after taking a stroll with Ashton Kutcher during which she displayed “significant roundness in the stomach area” over the weekend, Mila Kunis immediately got the baby-bump media treatment. Can we expect Ashmi spawn in the next 9 months?! What will they name her?! When will I get another job, and why can’t I stop drinking, and should I put on pants?! exclaimed everyone. A few hours later, Kunis’ spokeswoman came back with the unsurprising answer to the first question.

She is not expecting.

Congratulations, Mila!!!!! You’re having an unbaby!!!!! Click through for the bump in question. [Daily Mail]

As a citizen of Hurricane Sandy’s Zone B, it makes me nervous that Lindsay Lohan is daring the gods of weather. She has taken to Twitter to alternately mock the Frankenstorm and attempt to soothe her fans.

Later, she refers to it as “Hurricane Sassy.” Probably by 10 PM she will be referring to it as “HEY HURRICANE FUCKFACE, IS THAT ALL YOU GOT?!” and then my cat and I will drown. Pray for us. [Daily Mail]

Our favorite fake president Martin Sheen is not a fan of Mitt Romney’s: “He is, in essence, a very arrogant, very successful businessman [who] believes in unreined free enterprise. He doesn’t have a clue what 99 per cent of the people are going through. He’s never lived on that level. He’s never had to compete for a job or face eviction or struggle to get a college loan. He’s a guy that the old phrase applies to: ‘he was born on third base and thought he hit a triple… They say this kind of rhetoric that I’m doing right now is advocating class warfare, but that’s nonsense. There is no class warfare; the war ended a long time ago and the poor lost very badly.” I bet he’d love this! [HuffPo]

Jamie Bell and Evan Rachel Wood are likely to marry this week after a little under a one-year engagement, according to eyewitnesses who saw the two holding hands and waiting in line at the Beverly Hills County marriage license office last week. The two first dated briefly in 2006 and then got back together in 2011. Also worth noting that they may have met while filming the video for Green Day’s “Wake Me Up When September Ends” in 2005, so there’s that. [Radar Online]

In the wake of the recent gay rumors, Joe Simpson has cancelled his regular golf game at his Los Angeles country club with a “hunky” 20-something guy” who isn’t a member. Apparently Simpson has always been secretive about the identity of the man, never writing his name on the sign-in sheet and not allowing anyone else to join the game. However, this should not surprise anyone who has seen that episode of Law & Order: SVU about the down-low. [Radar Online]

Rihanna sent Adele some cute, sassy baby gifts! Two onesies with slogans: “My mum is a rockstar” and “Just done nine months inside,” as well as some lingerie for Mom with a card that reads “You gotta stay sexy, yummy mummy. Enjoy yourself. Congrats!!!” Guysssss. [The Sun]

  • Today in “sentences that would mean nothing to your mother,” Ellie Goulding and Skrillex broke up. [Monsters and Critics]
  • Liam Neeson broke up with his girlfriend too. [Ace Showbiz]
  • Elizabeth Taylor has overtaken Michael Jackson as the highest-earning dead celebrity. They were friends in life so it’s probably OK. [Time]
  • Tom Cruise’s neighbor got drunk and poked around his yard and got arrested. [Washington Post]
  • For her birthday, Lourdes Leon got an Upper East Side apartment from her mom Madonna. [Daily Star]
  • Paul McCartney doesn’t want you to blame Yoko Ono for the Beatles’ split. [NME]
  • Christina Hendricks in a red glitter dress, holla. [Daily Mail]
  • Johnny Depp gave Kate Moss this advice about fame back when the two were dating: “Never complain, never explain.” [Hollywood]
  • Burt Reynolds regrets posing nude for Cosmo in the 1970s because he says it cost him an Oscar for Deliverence, and yet, worth it? [Contact Music]
  • This is Urrrsher’s $12,000 goldendoodle, which he won at a charity event (beating Gossip Girl’s Jessica Szohr). [Us Weekly]
  • Drew Barrymore made her first appearance since giving birth to Olive at a LACMA benefit. (I mean, that’s where her appearance was. Not where she gave birth.) [People]
  • Angelina Jolie took her kids Halloween costume shopping in L.A. Note Shiloh’s face. [Us Weekly]
  • OK, I’ll be the one to admit that Julianne Hough and Ryan Seacrest were a great Bonnie and Clyde for Halloween. There. [Us Weekly]
  • Evelyn Lozada wants the no-contact rule against her abusive husband Chad Ochocinco Johnson to end. [TMZ]
  • Toni Braxton is in trouble for transferring almost $60,000 into her husband’s bank account in order to get away with skipping out on paying back creditors in her bankruptcy case. [TMZ]
  • Timbaland and T.I. enjoying southern BBQ chicken, mac and cheese and corn bread with NeuroSun cocktails while watching Game 3 of the World Series” sounds so FUN. [Page Six]
  • Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are still having “trust issues” and blah blah, we need the eggs, blahdeeblah. [Daily News]
  • For Halloween, Kim Kardashian was Daryl Hannah-as-mermaid from Splash in a $2,000 wig. [NYDN]
  • And Emma Roberts went as Aunt Julia Roberts’ character in Pretty Woman. [NYDN]
  • Adam Levine gets protective of Christina Aguilera when the media scrutinizes her weight. [NYDN]
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