Need To Tell A Bride to Diet? A Partner You Have Syphilis? Try A CDC E-Card!

The Centers For Disease Control‘s attempt to utilize late ’90s technology to spread health information is probably well intentioned, but all they taught us is that the folks who work there are passive-aggressive busybodies.

The CDC’s website has 174 e-cards that link recipients to information on the agency’s website. There are cards for offering congratulations on a new pet, flu vaccination reminders, and get well cards, as well as more bizarre fare such as:

But, the cards we’d be most disturbed to find in our inboxes deal with sex, marriage, and babies. We like the idea of using an e-card to let your partners know you’ve given them a STD. For most of us, getting that e-mail would be enough to make us go get checked out, but the CDC’s card explains you may want to get that clamydia out of your reproductive organs because you may want to put a baby in there some day:

Well, at least the CDC isn’t homophobic:

On the surface this engagement e-card isn’t too bad, but it links to a “safe and healthy bride” page that starts out by telling future brides to “eat healthy” and “make smart choices to help you look and feel good for your wedding, showers, parties, and new life together.” It’s the perfect way to tell a friend that you don’t want to be the one trying to zip her into that too-tight wedding gown.

But, what if a few years have passed and she and her husband still haven’t started a family? (And she has diabetes.) Just pass on this handy hint:

Once she’s expecting, there are plenty of ways to let her know that you never considered her mom material anyway:

It’s really unfortunate that pregnant woman can’t drink, because they may have a hard time calming down after finding these troubling reminders in her inbox:

Even after the kid is born, you can continue sending her intrusive tips about her family. Most people who suspect a friend’s child has ADHD would sit them down and break it to them gently, but you could also just forward them this:

Or, just let them know that you think their little rugrats have poor hygiene:

Generally, this is all good health advice, we just don’t want to be reminded that we and our loved ones are constantly in mortal danger via e-mail.

Health E-Cards [CDC.gov]
Safe And Healthy Bride [CDC.gov]

Earlier: You’ve Got Mail! And Something Else…