Pamela Druckerman found herself facing down a tall order on for her husband’s fortieth birthday bash: arrange a threesome. She shares the whole process in this month’s Marie Claire, and the results were hilarious, in a Seinfeld kind of way.
Much of the humor in the piece revolves around Druckerman’s quest to find the perfect partner for a one-time, no strings attached tryst. In the beginning, Druckerman tries approaching friends of friends casually, asking them out to lunch and then floating the idea.
I do it under the guise of exchanging girly confidences, saying, “You won’t believe what my husband wants for his birthday.” I tell her that I’ve agreed to it in principle but that I haven’t yet found the third party.
I think she gets that I’m propositioning her, but instead of taking the bait, she becomes the Cassandra of threesomes. She describes the rogue ex-boyfriend who pressured her to go to bed with him and his other lover, and the friends of hers who swapped partners and never swapped back. She says that I’ll be scarred by images of my husband doing unspeakable things to another woman. “And what if it’s someone who’s incredibly hot? How could you possibly handle that?” she asks, a bit insultingly.
Not only is Emma out of the running, she seems to be morphing into that most dreaded of creatures: the friend. She talks of future lunch dates at other Asian restaurants. I’m suddenly sympathetic to those male “friends” of mine who disappeared when I got engaged. Why stick around?
After running from Emma, Druckerman decides to try her luck through a targeted website, eventually capturing a woman’s attention. She then starts to panic, but then receives guidance and coaching from none other than her husband:
As I’m getting ready to go meet her (silk sweaterdress, foundation, mascara), I’m suddenly struck by the strangeness of what I’m about to do. It’s real, and I’m nervous. How do I convince a woman to take off her clothes? My husband, who spent years of his life addressing this particular challenge, gives me a little pep talk.
“With women, you have to listen to all the stuff they say,” he explains. “They have all these complex emotional issues, and you have to try to figure out what they are. Just keep asking questions. Be pleasant and reassuring but also slightly mysterious.” He’s probably afraid that I’ll back out, because he adds that to keep life interesting, sometimes you have to stick your neck out.
She follows this advice to the letter, feigning interest in her new friend and counting down how long it will before before she can knock some boots:
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