Paris Haute Couture Fashion Week Cont’d: Gravity-Defying Dresses, Sequined Labia, & Goth Doja Cat

Of all the fashion weeks around the world and throughout the year, I continue to be of the opinion that Paris Haute Couture Fashion Week is the best. It’s the wildest; it’s the most spectacular; it has the highest amount of shit that makes you say, “Pourquoi?” But as Trey Phillips (I recently rewatched Laguna Beach) so succinctly put it in 2004: “The thing that’s cool about fashion, it’s straight-up wearable art, you know?” Fuck yeah, I do know!

Haute Couture Week opened Monday with Schiaparelli, a nearly 100-year-old fashion house known for its surrealist designs and imaginative and transcendent takes on silhouettes. This collection was heavy with stuffed animal heads—which I love. Keep them guessing! Kylie Jenner attended and got to wear her own massive fucking lion head that, shockingly, still failed to make her seem interesting.

According to British Vogue, designer Daniel Roseberry said the collection is about blurring “the lines between the real and the unreal.” OK! Doja Cat also attended wearing something that I can only describe as both real because I know she is a living, breathing human, and unreal, because...wut? So: Mission accomplished, Roseberry. He also said the collection was his “homage to doubt,” which makes much more sense to me.

Other designers also debuted their craziest collections, so please enjoy all of this cool, wearable art.

With a dress like this, you’ll never have to say, “Sorry! Excuse me!” ever again. Brilliant—though I do wish it looked less like she’s wearing a giant broom.

I’m sorry, the sequined undies are giving me chastity belt vibes?

M3GAN?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

The perfect ensemble for those busy Saturdays when you know won’t get a chance to run home and change between ice fishing and rolling up to the club.

Sure? I’m honestly less shocked or amused by this outfit than I am impressed that she was successfully able to remove the 30,000 Swarovski crystals she plastered to herself for the Schiarpelli show on Monday in time to wear this to the Viktor&Rolf show on Wednesday.

A perfect homage to the kind of hangover where you shuffle yourself to the couch wrapped inside your comforter to order Dominos. Never before has this moment been celebrated so spectacularly.

The only problem with this dress is that it’s just one sequined labia dress in a big collection, and not a big collection of sequined-labia dresses. Something to keep in mind for next season, Alexandre!!!!!!

For an all-white suit, this has huge ordering-an-extra-dirty-martini-with-three-olives-at-a-dark-and-chestnut-paneled-cocktail-bar-after-murdering energy. #inspo!

This dress is for the kids who gazed at Legs—the mischief toy from Toy Story created from Barbie legs and a fishing rod—with tears in their eyes and knew that, someday, She will be the moment. That moment is now.

Gaultier was clearly inspired by the hot duck that graced Central Park for a while, as were we all.

Just need to understand the thought process that takes you from, “I’m going to wear a million red bumps all over my body” to “How fun would it be to troll everyone with a skeevy man outfit” to “Yeah, a chill, all-black outfit is the logical next step.”

It’s giving Dancing with the Stars quickstep costume.

There appears to be a cold, dark void emerging from the depths of her womb, and it feels like a metaphor that I don’t have the energy to unpack in a fashion slideshow.

Who among us hasn’t stared longingly into our closets thinking, “Why can’t I ever find anything to make me look like a massive, sequined jellyfish?” Truly, an “Under the Sea” (where it’s always better) dream come true.

This is very “I am woman, hear me roar,” which feels a bit outdated, as far as mottos go. Also, let’s not forget, it was Kesha who was wearing animal faces/heads/prints all the way back in 2009—well over a decade before Schiaparelli decided it was fashion.

Paris officially declares that capes are STILL in for 2023. This is huge. Overall, the outfit is like a 2, but the cape is a 1 million, baby!

More animals?! (Breasts really are magical and worthy of unicorn pasties, though.) I guess you can start digging out your old cheetah-print items. Wildlife is in for 2023.

The perfect Valentine’s Day outfit if you’re trying to break up with your partner but can’t quite figure out the right way to say it. It’s also perfect if you have 30,000 Swarovski crystals laying around and about four hours to kill.

Gorgeous cape. Incredible detailing. Extraordinary artisanship. And in a world of giant foam animal heads, Georges Hobeika said, “just get yourself a fucking puppy.”

Jeez, Karlie. More like Christian Bioring. It’s truly remarkable to be wearing the same color as Doja Cat and be the worst red outfit in this slideshow. And what in the Sunday school teacher are those shoes?!

In the Kardashian-Jenner jungle, the lion is sleeping. But not because it’s tired, because it’s so fucking bored by being attached to Kylie.

For comparison’s sake, here is Irina Shayk wearing a lion head on the runway. This lion is pumped, he’s excited, and he’s ready to take on the world despite not having a body.

What else is in for 2023? Not showing your face, you poor, tired hag. In addition to doubt and blurring lines, Roseberry said the collection was also inspired by Dante’s Inferno and the nine circles of hell...if that helps you at all.

OK, cool. We’re sticking with the no-pants trend. Let me just dust off my thigh gap and turn all my current pants into extra-long blazers so I can keep my arms nice and toasty while my legs learn to suck it the fuck up.

What’s that Shakespeare King Lear quote Megan Fox has tattooed on her back? “We will all laugh at gilded butterflies.” This is more bird than butterfly (unless you imagine the linebacker shoulders as butterfly wings,) but yes, I am laughing.

Here we have: Furby goes to fashion school. Zero notes.

This looks like a couple of giant amoebas have mutated to try and overtake the world—in style.

If you were to ask me, “What 16th century accessory do you think we definitely need to bring back?” Ruff—but with feathers instead of pleated fabric—would probably be like, third to last on my last list. Yet here we are.

I love a garment that tells a story. And this one has everything! A castle; a giant-ass whale; sleeves with jellyfish patches so I’m guessing we’re in some kind of 1,000 Leagues Under the Sea + The Little Mermaid world for this tale. There’s also a bunch of flowers and the entire solar system—so really, this is more than a story, it’s a journey, and a science lesson. An epic.

Love the bodysuit. Love the shade of green. Am not necessarily loving them together. This fully looks like something a Miss Universe contestant would wear during their introduction. I don’t mean that as a diss...but I also don’t mean it as a compliment.