Samantha Markle Calls Her Sister the DuchASS, Then Compares Her to Donald Trump

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Every time I think I’m done thinking about Duchess Meghan’s extended family, they go and do something I can’t turn away from. These people—Meghan’s half-sister Samantha in particular—are so starved for the spotlight (any spotlight!) and resentful of their family member being illuminated by one of the world’s largest that their drama, manufactured and petty though it may be, makes everyone else’s looks positively quaint in comparison. It’s like the Markles are the family in Hereditary, and we’re all the miniatures in Hereditary. You know? Does that make sense? No? Moving on.

On her private Twitter account, which I have somehow been allowed to follow, Markle went off—excuse me, “awf”—on her sister via a word I’m surprised she hadn’t pulled out of her arsenal before Monday. Just one hour after comparing Meghan to Donald Trump (“Trump said he could shoot someone and not lose votes. The same mentality applies to my sister.”) she wrote:

I am not candy coating anything anymore! The DUCHASS should be humane to our father who has given her everything,.. and this media crap can stop! He was the one who was always there for her. Fake waves and smiles can stop. The duchASS can bow to the daddy

DuchASS! Honestly? That’s clever, and I’m surprised she hadn’t used it before. Anyway, the tweet understandable got a few of her Meghan-loving followers riled up, and they replied with some tepid defenses of her honor. Sammy obviously wasn’t having it.

When someone blasted their father Thomas for running his mouth off to the tabloids all the time, Sammy wrote:

He only talk [sic] to the media because she was ignoring him for a long time and being snobby he has the right to speak and if she doesn’t like it it’s just too fucking bad she needs to wake up and be a kind person.

When another questioned Thomas’s character, Sammy wrote:

Priorities lack of character?! Lol,.. imagine if your dad busted his back his whole life for your sister and then she took a crap on him and ignored him! She has always been his priority and she owes him up and respect!
Would you allow someone in your family to continually be disrespected and hurt as my dad is and say nothing? I doubt it. After she gives my dad the love and respect he deserves she can skip on her merry way and no one will say anything

Then another follower tweeted, “When you gonna stop being the dumbass you to old for this. Go to your room.”

Sammy replied, “I would tell you to go to your room, but I don’t like pointing in the direction of motels in a crack zone.”

This went on. And on and on and on. Until, suddenly, this happened:

Hey in this really is the matrix because apparently Piers Morgan is my cousin distantly as I am a direct descendent of Robert the Bruce of Scotland. My father is, I am, Meg is, my brother is our uncles are


What I’m saying is, request to follow @SammyMarkle64. She’ll probably accept! And you’ll have the time of your life reading tweets like:

Forgive any typos or wrong words I think everyone knows that Siri is not a perfect secretary and I am on my iPhone LOL


Here’s Nicki Minaj on that “fight” with Cardi B:

“The other night I was part of something so mortifying and so humiliating to go through in front of a bunch upper echelon… people who have their life together. I was in a Gaultier gown — off the motherfucking runway — and I could not believe how humiliated it all felt.”


And, finally, here’s me:

  • “I don’t know if 40 years ago I would have ever thought that Laurie Strode would have a daughter, let alone a granddaughter. I just don’t think I ever took it that far. Trauma is a generational disease because it affects everybody in the family. So that’s what I think is so exciting about [this film]. They’ve explored that through the relationships between mother, daughter, granddaughter.” – Jamie Lee Curtis [Celebitchy]
  • Jay Baruchel married someone named Rebecca! Congrats to Jay and Rebecca! [ONTD]
  • Wow I forgot all about Keshia Knight Pulliam’s ongoing messy divorce. [TMZ]
  • I love Melissa McCarthy so much that I watched Life of the Party. [Celebitchy]
  • It’s been a rough 24 hours for me. [ONTD]
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