Saturday Night Social: Sperm Was Discovered Because Some Guy Came on His Microscope

Saturday Night Social: Sperm Was Discovered Because Some Guy Came on His Microscope
Photo:Henning Bagger/AFP (Getty Images)

So, I was catching up on all the cum-related news of the day, as one does, when I came across this story about how sperm don’t actually flick their li’l sperm tails back and forth like eels or snakes who, I don’t know, fell in a river or something. They actually propel themselves forward by rolling around like “playful otters.”

Speaking to CNN on Friday, Hermes Gadelha, the head of Polymaths Laboratory at the University of Bristol’s department of engineering and mathematics who recently co-authored a study about cum, explained that the idea that sperm move purely through whipping their tails is a lie and that up till now we’ve been living in, and I quote, a “sperm deception.”

“Human sperm figured out if they roll as they swim, much like playful otters corkscrewing through water, their one-sided stroke would average itself out, and they would swim forwards,” Gadelha said. “The rotation of the sperm is something that is very important. It’s something that allows the sperm to regain a symmetry and actually be able to go straight.”

Anyway, that’s not even what I want to talk about! Buried in CNN’s story is this disgusting bit of history that, despite my years of scholarship in, uh…applied cumology, I’d never known about.

As it turns out, the guy who first identified sperm was the inventor of the microscope. His name was Antonie van Leeuwenhoek, and he was kind of a freak! Shortly after inventing the microscope, he decided to use it to look at his cum. If you were the inventor of microscopes, wouldn’t you use your new invention to look at your cum? Give it up for this 17th century legend.

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