Sexually Harassing Mayor Won't Resign, 2 Weeks of Therapy Will Fix Him


During a press conference Friday afternoon, San Diego Mayor Bob Filner said he was not resigning even though he is a confirmed sexual harrasser. He did, however, say that he would be taking two weeks away from the office starting August 5 to go to a clinic where he will undergo intensive therapy. In the morning and evening he will be briefed on stuff relating to his job and will continue with therapy once he returns to office August 19, because yes, he is not resigning.

After listing a whole bunch of people he felt deserved apologies, Filner said, “Most of all, I apologize to the women I offended,” adding that “I am responsible for my conduct,” before his audio cut out and he had to leave the podium while they got him a new one. That resulted in a harrowing eight minutes of listening to news anchors try to bullshit their way through this new information without actually having any new information. Actual quote from CNN: “We are just all sitting here and watching this together.”

Two weeks, man. I wish you could get rid of a lifetime of misogyny in two weeks. I wonder what else Filner thinks he is capable of doing in two weeks?

  • training for a marathon (“It’s just running, right?”)
  • gestating a baby (“Babies are small, but my will to make a baby is large.”)
  • write and record a hit as big as “My Heart Will Go On” (“If Celine can do it, I certainly can”)
  • star in Clueless (“What is time, really?”)
  • finish a game of Monopoly (“Well I have Park Place, so…”)
  • pack up your entire house (“That’s what movers are for, right?”)
  • travel around the world via speedboat (“They have engines”)
  • get a new job (“I am very talented”)
  • train a dog (“They are man’s best friend”)
  • cure self of mono (“My immune system is very strong”)
  • carve a new Mount Rushmore in his own likeness (“I have a distinguished and beautiful profile”)
  • learn how to speak that dying language they only use on the Canary Islands (“You know, the one with whistles”)
  • get legally divorced (“How long could it possibly take?!”)
  • break his leg, and then heal it (“100% of my focus will be on fixing my bones”)
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