This Summer, Consider Shorts

By Maria Sherman | June 29, 2018 | 8:20pm

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Everything is stupid, and so are we. Welcome to Jezebel’s Stupidest Summer Ever, a season-long celebration of our worst, most idiotic thoughts and opinions.

Hot diggity-dog, it’s a scorcher out there! You know what absolutely bites the big one when the current weather is accurately described as “spicy,” bordering on “hellish”? Wearing clothes! But you gotta do it, the sun’s a heartless bitch, and you still need to slather your human form in some kinda coverage (and not just sunscreen, though that’s a good idea.) I’m talking fashion, baby! And you know what’s real fashion? SHORTS! In case you haven’t heard, bike shorts are totally in, but I’m here to chat about shorts of all kinds, free of fabric discrimination. Whether you consider yourself a Trendy Tracy or a Repugnant Rachel (I’m a Monstrous Maria), shorts are what await you this steamy season. Will you let them into your heart?

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Last summer, which also sucked and was far too hot, my co-worker Joanna pointed out that baseball caps can protect your noggin from the unforgiving fire-y beams of daylight. It works. But what about your walking sticks? You NEED to cover your junk (it’s the law where you are presently reading this, I’ll bet you three pairs of delicious daisy dukes) but your glamorous gams can and should breathe, goddammit. Free your mind, free your legs, free your prosthetics, free whatever you got goin’ on—free yourself.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. Shorts? What am I, a toddler? Next you’re going to tell me the key to success is rocking a playsuit (honey, fashion has already taken us there.) Shorts won’t make you look like a dumb idiot baby, or a tourist’s 27th time going to Orlando, Florida even though you KNOW there’s a big ass world out there. They can and will make you look chic, as evidenced in here:

And here:

And even here:

Got it? Good. You’re a Kardashian, baby, you’re a star. Believe my hype. Wear shorts. Avoid pants. And fuck shoes.