This Week in Tabloids: J. Lo's Exes to Reveal She Sacrifices Chickens

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we grapple with the storied and horrible mythical beasts known as Star, Us Weekly, OK!, Life & Style and InTouch. This week: Jennifer Lopez’s exes might write a tell-all alleging that she sacrifices chickens; the Duggars dispense some deplorable sex and love advice; and Kylie and Kendall Jenner are at war.

BABY JOY!

Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi are having a baby. We know this because Portia “appears to have gained about 10 lbs.” and is also “glowing.” Also, a photo exists of Ellen touching Portia on the stomach, meaning that all the signs have aligned. Apparently, the couple picked an unnamed (NOT FAMOUS) sperm donor who was “well educated and charitable, with few health issues in his family.” Why couldn’t the editors just make up that Lenny Kravitz was going to be the sperm donor, like in that recent tabloid story about Queen Latifah? This is lazy gossip-mongering. I am disappointed. In other news, the young woman whose butt was groped by Robin Thicke has come forward with her story, in case you had lingering questions about it. She says that she met the disgraced former Leighton Meester back-up singer at a party; shortly after, he led her to a dark back room, where they had sex. “Minutes after their copulation,” as Star puts it, he introduced her to his wife all smug-like. Robin Thicke is a big dick, etc. Moving on: Rihanna spends $25k a week on her hair, according to a source. “She has a team of experts around the clock to cater to her every hairstyle whim,” says the informant. Literally anyone in her position would do the same. The American dream is spending $100,000 a month on luxurious wigs. Finally, Mila Kunis is going to give birth any day now, which means it’s high time for a story about how Demi Moore is teetering on the brink of emotional collapse, not to mention old. Here is the thesis statement of this piece: “With Ashton’s impending fatherhood, she feels like she’s too old to find that kind of love again.” ‘Kay. Whatever.

GRADE: F (Medusa in a selfie sombrero)

DELIVERY ROOM DRAMA!

There is no delivery room drama, but Mila Kunis is 9 months pregnant. Other celebrities are pregnant as well, prompting a three-page spread entitled “HOLLYWOOD BABY BOOM.” Facts gleaned from this informative article include: Kourtney Kardashian’s doctor is encouraging her to let Scott Disick pull her third child from out of her as a bonding thing, I guess?; Hayden Panettiere drinks a lot of Sprite, which is a habit she keeps secret from the world; Rachel Bilson likes flowers. Riveting stuff. Next: Prince Harry and Cressida Bonas are back together. They went on a date to the movie “Sex Tape,” which, like, come on. You own castles, man. You don’t need to be doing that. On the bright side, this article contains the single most beautiful sentence I’ve ever read in a tabloid: “Their once cold romance is reheating faster than crumpets in a microwave!” Someone PLEASE call the Pulitzer committee. And be sure to mention to them this sentence, which was in a story about how Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger are having marital difficulties: “Just weeks earlier, Avril had gushed on Instagram over a 17-carat diamond ring Chad bought her for their first anniversary. The photo has since been deleted — and their marriage may soon be too.” THIS IS THE BEST WRITING IN THE WORLD. And let us close with a pretty boring rumor to get everyone’s heart rate back to normal after all that stunning prose: Allison Williams wants to quit Girls because she wants to be a star and/or have a baby. Allegedly, Lena wouldn’t want a pregnancy interfering with the show. Idk. A baby on Girls could be cool. They could have a plot line about it applying for internships and another one about how the baby and Adam keep pooping their pants in unison.

GRADE: B (one of the less popular Neopets)

OUR RULES FOR LOVE & SEX

This cover story on the Duggars’ rules for love and sex is just as ghastly as one would expect it to be. Every pre-marriage rule is a variation on the terrifying theme of “Do not ever think about sex. Your body is a fleshy cage of vices and you must not ever trusted to be alone with it.” Here are some highlights: “Before the first date, the singles and parents agree on rules that rein in raging hormones”; “The girls agree being alone with guys puts them in ‘moral danger'”; “Chest-to-chest contact is strictly forbidden until ‘I do.'” But once they are married, the girls are expected to be constantly sexually available — Rule 7: “ONCE YOU’RE WED, GET BUSY OFTEN.” “Duggar women don’t get headaches,” says Us. As in, they never feign illness to get out of sex because that’s not an option for them. In the words of Duggar Mom, “You always need to be available when he calls.” (“And prepared for the results,” adds the mag — “My mom has a bunch of pregnancy tests at her house!” says Jill Duggar.) So, just to reiterate: the Duggars are forbidden from making bodily contact with men until married, but after marriage they must be willing to have sex whenever their husbands want. And all of this is presented in cheery, blithe tabloid-speak as though it’s at all normal or acceptable. I have seen such festering piece word-detritus in my life; I hope the Rat King builds his fortress out of it once I throw it out. The rest of the magazine’s pages are filled with news that is either immensely boring or stuff we’ve heard before: Jennifer Lawrence went to a Coldplay show and “was spotted in the VIP section putting her hand over her heart when her rocker boyfriend, 37, took the stage,” which is Peak Uncool. George Clooney and Amal Alamuddin: still getting married. She will wear a dress. There will be a party. Sick. And, uh, Nick Jonas’ girlfriend gave him a box of cigars for his birthday. Thanks for the update.

GRADE: F- (whatever loathsome creature is lurking in the collective subconscious of the Duggar family)

A BABY AT LAST

Oh, my God, Jennifer Aniston is having a baby at last. I haven’t been this excited since three weeks ago, when I read that she was having a baby at last. This definitely fabricated “Jennifer Aniston is having a baby” tale differs from all the identical ones that have preceded it because it alleges she’s adopting, not pregnant. Twist!!! (It was a big decision because she didn’t want people to think she was copying Angelina Jolie, the only other woman to have ever adopted a child, but she’s managing.) Elsewhere in the magazine, the editors ponder why Eva Mendes went into hiding throughout her pregnancy and immediately after. Why didn’t she and Ryan Gosling display their infant to the world, like Rafiki atop Pride Rock at the beginning of The Lion King? Why didn’t they SnapChat us all a pic of the newborn babe? “Eva’s a deeply private person to begin with,” says Life & Style. Oh. There’s your answer. Moving on: Kendall and Kylie Jenner are at war because Kendall is more famous and Kylie “doesn’t really have anything” and is stuck “passing her time posing selfies.” Okay, that is way harsh. She is also in a teen sex cult, in case you forgot!!! Anyway, to put this sad sibling rivalry in Kardashian terms, their “brand is broken.” RIP, brand. You will be missed. In other news, Jennifer Lopez’s exes have all become friends, and, in a gender-revered John Tucker Must Die sort of thing, they could maybe write a tell-all about her. The tell-all could make them $50 million, says some guy who does not have any evidence that said tell-all will ever come into fruition. But they could reveal some nasty secrets, hints the magazine, including the fact that “J. Lo secretly practices religious rituals of Santeria — including sacrificing chickens! That’s the last thing her image needs.” WHAT. Is that even the last thing her image needs? I am not sure how to respond to this, other than saying that it’s not illegal to sacrifice animals in religious ceremonies in the United States, so let us live.

GRADE: D (a minotaur that haunts the aisles of Ikea, preying upon you only when you are at your most disoriented and confused. Mostly by the shelves where they keep all the wood bits, I would say.)

NASTY $250M DIVORCE

Kim and Kanye’s marriage is on the rocks. According to a source, they had a massive fight during a “romantic night in” at Kanye’s house (is the source Baby North? Does an InTouch informant live in their walls? Maybe!). During the fight, Kim reported said that it’s unfair that she’s expected to follow Kanye around the world; Kanye responded that “he has an obligation to his art and asking him to set that aside is cruel and a crime against humanity.” Fair enough? From this kind of innocuous premise, though, the article quickly veers into the realm of just horrible: a psychiatrist who has never treated Kanye before diagnoses him with narcissistic personality disorder in a side bar that’s titled “IS KANYE CRAZY?” and the magazine accuses Kim of “embarrassing him once again” for having her nude photos stolen. Yeah, because that was totally her fault. Elsewhere in the magazine, “exclusive” photos show Mama June looking a bit grumpy while Sugar Bear hangs his head. TELLING SIGNS OF A BREAKUP. A grainy and definitely staged picture is worth 1,000 words, as the saying goes. In other news, Robin Thicke needs to go to rehab for drinking. “Robin, sources say, is lost.” Moving on, Mila Kunis had to part ways with her doula, Ashton Kutcher’s twin’s wife, because the Kutcher twin and her ended their marriage. That is quite an unconventional tabloid story, good work keeping it fresh, inTouch. Finally, the magazine made an infographic of various celebrities at high school outlining what their roles would be. In “THE HONOR ROLL,” we are told, Jennifer Lawrence and Chloe Grace Moretz are members of the drama club. In “THE OUTCASTS” section, we learn, Kristen Stewart and Selena Gomez belong to the Coachella club. I… don’t think that is a club. Who knows, though. Teens these days are wild and unpredictable.

GRADE: F (the conniving matriarch of a Baba Yaga family with its own reality tv show)