Today's Wedding Headline Tally: 12 And Counting


OMG People, only 4 business days until the GREATESTEVENTOFALLTIME. And you better believe the hysterical faux-story count is climbing!

The cacophony across the pond has grown so deafening that some Brits are decamping. At least three million Britons are “fleeing” — or, you know, taking advantage of a three-day weekend and the Spring holidays to get an 11-day break. Anyway, they’re going elsewhere. We don’t blame them. Especially since stats for Friday include 5000 cops, 35 bomb-sniffing dogs, an equally scary 5500 street parties, and a projected 100 million pints of beer. We don’t care to estimate the amount of vomit.

Hadley Freeman’s attitude towards the wedding? Suck it upand have fun. “There are few things more tedious than people who insist that they are above something when the rest of the country is suffused with festive spirit. What are you, a goth teenager sulking in your room to The Cure on Christmas Day?”

The guest list is out. By now you’ve probably heard that, although Guy Ritchie’s invited, Madonna’s not. (Some dudes really like Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. Maybe the princes do. Hey, as long as everyone else is speculating about the royals.) Other guests: Sir Elton, Joss Stone, the Beckhams and, obviously, Rowan Atkinson. And! “In a progressive twist, people who are married and those in civil partnerships have been invited with their spouse or partner.” Meaning, we’re guessing, David Furnish. More controversial are the Middletons’ disreputable relatives. By now we’ve all heard about uncle Gary Goldsmith and his cocaine-filled bachelor pad, Maison Bang-Bang. He’s apparently invited to everything because they don’t want him at large in London. But that’s not all! Her “party animal” sibs will also be on a short leash, especially since sister Pippa’s “party trick is removing her clothes and draping herself in a pyramid of toilet roll.” Cousin Katrina will not be invited: she’s “a raunchy burlesque dancer based in northeast England whose signature act, dubbed “God Save the Queen,” ends with her clad only in red nipple tassels and a thong.”

Kate and Wills may honeymoon on Australia’s Lizard Island, off the Great Barrier Reef. On the other hand, they may go somewhere completely different.

Oh, and Kate’s mother has ditched her hat for a different hat. Says spurned milliner Jess Collett, “She is not wearing the hat. It’s gutting.”

More wedding grinchiness: apparently the world has their knives out for the poor royal couple. “It’s remarkable how much malice is woven into the lacy specials and flowery tributes that are taking over the screen in the last days before the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton,” observes Alessandra Stanley of the barrage of wedding fare the networks are serving up. Oh and after Diana we have no innocence anymore about the fairytale. But, concludes the FT with stoic fatalism, “And so we should wish William and Kate a happy wedding day. And a happy, successful and fulfilled marriage. And that, as for everyone else but more so, will be the hard bit.”

Oh, and in case you were just dying to see not one but two different images of Kate and Wills creepily aged, you’re in luck! (Kate’s two options, it would seem, would be to not change her style at all, or turn into an exact replica of Queen Elizabeth.)

Prince William And Kate Middleton: Will They Honeymoon Down Under? [People]
The Great Escape: Brits Flee Royal Wedding [Yahoo]
Royal Wedding By The Numbers: 5000 Police, 100 Million Pints Of Beer [Radar]
Royal Wedding Guest List, Seating Chart Released [Us]
Sneak Peek: What Will William & Kate Look Like as Old Farts? [E]
Long Live The King [NY Post]
Welcome to the Firm [FT]
Toasts For Royals, Spiked With Scorn [NY Times]
Happily Ever After [NY Post]
Black Sheep Of Middleton Family Causing Wedding-Day Jitters [NY Post]
First The Dressmaker, Now The Milliner: Carole Middleton Axes Hatmaker A Week Before The Wedding [Daily Mail]
What To Wear To The Royal Wedding [Guardian]

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