Vroom Vroom! Get a Load of Aunt Becky's Crime Car

CelebritiesDirt Bag
Vroom Vroom! Get a Load of Aunt Becky's Crime Car

I grew up in the country, and when I was stressed, or angry, or in need of an incredibly cathartic cry, I’d drive. Back then I had a sputtering, 1985 Jeep Grand Cherokee, with seats so wide you could sleep on them and whose engine couldn’t handle hills or going above 45 mph. Lori Loughlin, conversely, is from Queens, New York. Much different—but exactly the same! A blow to my fragile ego when I first left the country was that the Dixie Chicks has maybe lied to me—wide open spaces feel good to just about everyone. Sorry, cowgirls!

Anyways, Aunt Becky was seen driving around Los Angeles in a Benz Wednesday. She was unfortunately crime hat-less, but I think a mysterious black luxury vehicle is the perfect replacement. (Crime car! Crime car! Crime car!) And according to sources who spoke with HollywoodLife, Aunt Becky has felt all the emotions in the wake of her new sentencing, continuing:

“To deal with it all, knowing she deeply disappointed her children and going through it all with her husband has been a stress filled situation like she has never felt before. It is safe to say she is an emotional wreck… it is really taking a toll on her because it really has affected every part of her day and life.”

Jeez, I’d need a drive too! I just wonder: What did this lady listen to? I’ve been told she misses being on television, especially the beloved Fuller House. Imagine if she just did laps around Los Angeles with the show’s theme song on loop? It would make an excellent scene for the biopic, and a better descent into madness than Joker could have ever accomplished. [HollywoodLife]

If I was the best friend of a celebrity, I constantly ask myself if I’d make a living selling their secrets. Not the true ones, of course. I’d set up a business framework where I get the bulk of the commission, and my rich confidante received a small “finders fee.” It could be an extremely lucrative hustle! Jennifer Aniston, I’d imagine, has some rich fucking friends. Every day its new story about her: how she’s feeling, what she’s up to, what she ate for breakfast. Even what her Christmas plans are—in October!

Us Weekly reports that its Aniston sources claim the hair-care spokeswoman and hydration expert will spend the next few months “with a little bit of snow and a little bit of sun.” There will also be a Christmas tree trimming party, something I’m told is both “annual” and a big hit. (Imagine any one of Aniston’s famous friends holding tree trimming shears!) Happy fucking holidays, Jennifer Aniston! [Us Weekly]

Who remembers someone named….*checks notes*….Kristen Davis?

  • Carrie Fisher sent Marcia Clark flowers during the O.J. Trial. [Page Six]
  • Dwayne Johnson “needs space,” buys $9 million house. [TMZ]
  • Unfortunately, new mom Shay Mitchell has already been “mommy shamed.” [ET]
  • RHONY’s “Friend of the Wives” Barbara Kavovit calls Luann De Lesseps a narcissist. [Hollywood Life]
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