What's The Weirdest Lie About Sex You Learned in Sex Ed?


Last week, students at Richardson High School in Texas took to social media to voice their annoyance with Justin Lookadoo, a super right wing whackadoo sex ed lecturer whose deliberate anti-sex lies were almost as offensive as his as-styled-by-Guy Fieri’s afterbirth hair. But Texans aren’t the only people being messed with by bullshit sex lessons taught by folks with taxpayer-funded puritanical agendas. In fact, getting lied to in sex ed is about as American as fucking an apple pie.

Over at Mother Jones, Dana Liebelson has a nice roundup of the crappy lies spouted by Lookadoo-alikes across the country, and the government programs that fund them. One lady tells teens that if they take birth control, their mothers probably hate them. Another that says condoms are full of holes, another that vaginas are like vacuums that suck up sperm. The biggest problem with these problematic programs, she argues, is that they’re essentially using public money to push a religious and non-fact-based agenda.

While the fact that they’re utilizing taxpayer funds to spread lies is troublesome, more troublesome is the nature of the lies themselves and the potential public health consequences of these lies, even those that aren’t funded by The Public.

Allow me to share with you my sex ed horror story. And then, I invite you to share yours.

I was lucky to attend a public school with a sex ed class taught by a woman who was serious about conveying unflinching, medically accurate facts about human sexuality. Unfortunately, Frederic Area 7-12 School (yes we all fit in one building; it was a small town) wasn’t the only place attempting to imbue me with sexual information.

One chilly Wednesday evening when I was in eighth grade, my fellow fledgling Catholics and I were greeted at the door of our regular CCD classroom with a sign indicating that class would be held in the church that night. A “special presentation.”

Every little Catholic from 6th grade and up was seated in the pews. In front of the altar, an unfurled projection screen on a tripod. Next to it, a young, fresh faced woman with a cute haircut.

My memory is clouded by the trauma (hilarious trauma, but trauma) of what happened next. Someone clicked the projector on. The woman began to talk about how sex was dangerous; the first time she’d ever had sex, she got pregnant. Then she began cycling through a slide show designed to scare us into abstinence. It consisted entirely of diseased, inflamed, oozing, crusting genitalia. Beet red dicks. Vulvas ravaged by untreated rashes. One infected Prince Albert piercing.

“Another reason you don’t stick needles in there!” she chuckled.

She obviously had no medical training, so her commentary on the slides was limited to reading the small print beneath the grotesque images and narrating what she saw. “Herpes. Well, it looks like this gentleman here is having a rough time! You can see there’s some oozing. Some crusting. Looks like it hurts!” I was 12. These were the first adult dicks I’d ever seen. There were so many of them.

I’d also like to note that she had a very thick Minnesota accent. Perhaps the thickest I’ve ever heard. Like Francis McDormand in Fargo, but real.

If you held a gun to my head, I couldn’t guess with any degree of accuracy how long the slide show portion of the presentation went, but I could still do a pretty accurate impression of how she sounded when she talked.

From the presentation, I learned that sex is dangerous and gross and if you ever have it you’ll get pregnant and your pussy will turn into Hobbiton after the scouring of the Shire. Which is obviously false; after I had sex, in fact, my pussy turned into Gmork’s cave from The Neverending Story.

Now it’s your turn, dear readers. What dumb (or horrifying) shit did they try to pass off as truth in sex ed? If you’re comfortable, share which school you attended (or give a general idea of what neck of the woods you’re coming from ).


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