15 Utterly Deranged Wikihow How-To Guides


WikiHow is a popular community-based site comprised of user-generated of how-to manuals. It is filled with lots of useful information. But DID YOU KNOW: it is also a breeding ground for pure absurdity, populated with instructions that read as though they’re written by and for gentle, confused apes who are trying to integrate themselves into human society (also, instructions on matters on which that you should literally never consult WikiHow).

Recently, a WikiHow article entitled “How to Stop a Wedding” went viral because obviously it went viral. It is essentially a guide, very tranquil and rational in tone, penned by a collective of 41 individuals who seem to lack a functional understanding of how human society works. (“Method 2: At the Wedding,” Step 1: “Be very cautious about ‘crashing’ a wedding.” Step 5: “Boldly but smoothly raise your hand and say, ‘I object.'” Step 8: “Enjoy life with your new partner.”) The placid, subdued illustrations of each individual step are a particularly nice touch.

Also, these warnings at the end:

Unless you want to face immediate repercussions or you’re dealing with a very understanding family, it might be a good idea to move to a different part of the country afterward. You should have a job and place to live in mind before you depart.
Your ‘beloved’ may hate you

With our attentions turned towards all the potential treasures lurking beneath WikiHow’s utilitarian facade, let us try and plumb the depths of this instructional website — here’s a list of some of the best bits of WikiHow advice (on life, love, quotidian tasks), with the best steps or tips from each.

1. “How to Rip Paper”

Step 2: “Put two hands directly in the middle of the sheets, with both thumbs on the side facing you and fingers on the outside.”
Step 3: “Apply pressure to the sheets by squeezing them with your index finger and thumb.”
Step 4: “Pull one hand towards you and the other away until the paper rips.”

2. “How to Hide an Erection”

Tip: “Concentrate on something like a dead cat and try to feel it, taste it, smell it. But never think about how your erection is doing.”

3. “How to Give Passive Aggressive Gifts for Christmas”

Step 9: “Show how jealous you are of the recipient’s lifestyle with a totally useless gift.”

4. “How to Love”

Tip: “People become beautiful to you because you love them. In a society obsessed with appearance, it can often seem the other way around but the reality is that love makes a person beautiful and the imperfect perfect.”

5. “How to Dance at a Rave”

Step 1: “Learn a few break dance moves.”

6. “How to Be Okay with Having a Communist Friend”

Step 6: “Focus on the better things in your friendship. Don’t argue about communism vs. capitalism all the time. Life is too short for that.”

7. “How to Take a Shower”

Subsection 2, “Get Clean,” Step 1: “Wet your entire body.”
Subsection 3, “Shaving and Brushing Teeth,” Step 4: “Brush your teeth. As weird as it sounds, brushing your teeth in the shower is actually very useful. You can brush your tongue and not be afraid of getting toothpaste in your hair or on your clothes.”

8. “How to Become a Philosopher”

Step 4: “Think about the world, what it means to live, to die, to exist, and what the point of it is.”

9. “How to Flirt Through Instant Messaging”

Step 4: “Greet the other person.”
Step 5: “Come up with things to say about your day and how much it stunk or something to see the response. If you get a seemingly interested response, flirt a little. If the other acts as uninterested, then leave it. Flirting will not help.”
Step 13: “If the other person play-insults you, make a shocked or sad face and tell you expect grovelling or something with a “:P” on the end or a “;)” if you are very confident.”

10. “How to End a Marriage”

Step 2: “Take a deep breath.”

11. “How To Make Up a Joke Fast”

Step 2: “Use inspiration from around you. Consider the following situations where jokes are derived from the surroundings:

  • Let’s say you’re with your friends on a farm and everybody is trying to make up dance moves. You look around and see cows. Then you could say ‘I’m gonna dance with you until the cows come home, actually I would rather dance with the cows until you come home’.
  • Second example: Say you’re at a library and nobody is reading. You could say “From the moment I picked up this book until the moment I set it down I couldn’t stop laughing. One day I intend on reading it.”
  • Third example: You could be coming home from eating or from the movies. you could say ‘I had a great evening… but it wasn’t tonight.’ While this is easy, with the right ‘crowd’ you might get some laughs.”

12. “How To Be Random”

Step 5: “Do odd things. Like find a book, put it in front of someone’s face, and say, ‘You just got facebooked!’ Note: this will make you seem extremely stupid.”

13. “How to Convince Your Parents to Let You Buy a Nice Looking Diary, Instead of a Spiral Notebook”

Step 1: “Determine you deserve it.”

14. “How to Ask a Boss for a One-Night Stand”

Things You’ll Need:

  • A sexy body that he finds sexy.
  • An office or house/hotel.
  • Some irresistible lingerie.

15. “How to Bless Someone”

Step 1: “Find someone you would like to bless, It doesn’t really matter who they are because you are going to do something nice for them and help them out a lot.”

WikiHow is the fountainhead of all knowledge.

Illustration via Wikihow.

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