WikiHow is a popular community-based site comprised of user-generated of how-to manuals. It is filled with lots of useful information. But DID YOU KNOW: it is also a breeding ground for pure absurdity, populated with instructions that read as though they’re written by and for gentle, confused apes who are trying to integrate themselves into human society (also, instructions on matters on which that you should literally never consult WikiHow).
Recently, a WikiHow article entitled “How to Stop a Wedding” went viral because obviously it went viral. It is essentially a guide, very tranquil and rational in tone, penned by a collective of 41 individuals who seem to lack a functional understanding of how human society works. (“Method 2: At the Wedding,” Step 1: “Be very cautious about ‘crashing’ a wedding.” Step 5: “Boldly but smoothly raise your hand and say, ‘I object.'” Step 8: “Enjoy life with your new partner.”) The placid, subdued illustrations of each individual step are a particularly nice touch.
Also, these warnings at the end:
Unless you want to face immediate repercussions or you’re dealing with a very understanding family, it might be a good idea to move to a different part of the country afterward. You should have a job and place to live in mind before you depart.
Your ‘beloved’ may hate you
With our attentions turned towards all the potential treasures lurking beneath WikiHow’s utilitarian facade, let us try and plumb the depths of this instructional website — here’s a list of some of the best bits of WikiHow advice (on life, love, quotidian tasks), with the best steps or tips from each.
1. “How to Rip Paper”
Step 2: “Put two hands directly in the middle of the sheets, with both thumbs on the side facing you and fingers on the outside.”
Step 3: “Apply pressure to the sheets by squeezing them with your index finger and thumb.”
Step 4: “Pull one hand towards you and the other away until the paper rips.”
2. “How to Hide an Erection”
Tip: “Concentrate on something like a dead cat and try to feel it, taste it, smell it. But never think about how your erection is doing.”
3. “How to Give Passive Aggressive Gifts for Christmas”
Step 9: “Show how jealous you are of the recipient’s lifestyle with a totally useless gift.”
4. “How to Love”
Tip: “People become beautiful to you because you love them. In a society obsessed with appearance, it can often seem the other way around but the reality is that love makes a person beautiful and the imperfect perfect.”
5. “How to Dance at a Rave”
Step 1: “Learn a few break dance moves.”