Marriage isn’t like riding a pegasus on a marshmallow rainbow, you know. It’s a lot of work. And a royal marriage? God save the Princess, because things will inevitably get rough.
Fox News brought in a “self-help journalist” to create nine tips to help the royal couple in their marriage in this ultra-pathetic piece that’s actually self-aware of its own sadness, acknowledging that the interest in Wills and Kate is for divorcees and people who have been married for too long “to remember what it once felt like to be in love.” These tips, needless to say, are sort of pointless and forget that the royal couple is completely abnormal and live a completely different life than the rest of us. So we’ve invented our own tips, mostly for Kate, because with one married staff member in our ranks (who’s made it, like, over a year without getting divorced), we’re basically experts.
Fox says:
1. Kate, people are going to tell you that you are beautiful on your wedding day. They will say this because it is true. You are. Make sure to tell William how great those words make you feel. Make sure he knows that you need to hear them, especially during the times when you are not feeling beautiful. Those times will come when you are not wearing a gown that cost thousands of dollars. They will come when you’ve been up all night with a baby or when you’ve got vomit on your shirt. Make sure he knows that those are the times when it’s most important for him to whisper, “You are so beautiful.”
We say:
1. Kate, people are going to tell you that you are beautiful on your wedding day. They will say this because they are not animals. If they were savvy enough to get invited to a royal event then they know how to act. Also, your husband should know how to act and how you should be treated, considering he’s been raised his whole life knowing he’d have to marry a princess. Also, you guys have been dating for like, what, over nine years? If, by this point, he doesn’t know that you like to hear nice things and you decided to marry him anyway, then as Judge Judy would say, “You picked him” and you’re going to have to live with that choice.
Fox says:
2. You are both good looking, rich and famous. As a result, people will continually throw themselves at you and offer their beautiful bodies to you free of charge. It’s important for you to know when you are emotionally vulnerable and to take precautions. Just as a dieter knows not to go into a chocolate shop when she’s hungry, you both ought to make an oath not to go to nightclubs after you’ve been in a fight or when you feel distanced from one another. It’s just safer that way.
We say:
2. If your stuffy in-laws aren’t monitoring your every move—and if for some reason they think they don’t own your uterus for these upcoming important child-bearing years in which you are to produce an heir and a spare—and you make it out of the house and get your ass into a nightclub, and if for some reason some guy at that nightclub has the balls to even approach you let alone hit on you, then blow him. Because it’s probably just as likely that he will cum glitter and cherubs all over your face. Girl, you’re not getting out of that palace for free time in the club ever again.
Fox says:
3. Every marriage goes through a rough patch. When you go through yours, you will be tempted to believe that marrying each other was a mistake. That’s why it’s a good idea to make a list now of all of the reasons you’ve decided to spend the rest of your lives together. Then, when you can’t remember why you ever got married, you can read your lists.
We say:
3. If you get to a point where you can’t remember why you ever married this guy—and I’m betting it will happen when you find the umpteenth hair on the bar of soap in the shower—get Andrew Morton on the horn.
Fox says:
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