I’m not a mother, but as far as I can tell, writing about motherhood is sort of like writing about feminism: There’s no real right answer, it’s been complicated by years of movements and counter-movements, and you’re bound to elicit disapproval regardless of what your stance is. Like, obviously. I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know.
I lay motionless for hours because the clingy preschooler couldn’t bear to be alone at bedtime. I pulled the shirt over the child’s head or put the food on the kids’ plates … and cleared the plates. I showed up and took photos at the performances and class presentations, packed close as sardines to all the other hovering parents…. I’ve labored to avert all kinds of natural consequences…. I thought I was supposed to do all that; I wanted to do all that. It didn’t really occur to me I could do something else and still be a “good” or even a better parent.
However, there’s still a lot of grey area in the category of “indulgent parent” that she’s referring to: My mom was (and still is) quite like her in her unwillingness to discipline or set boundaries. “Grounding” wasn’t a thing when I was growing up, I never had to do dishes, she got involved in my bad grades during a particularly rough patch with family issues to help me negotiate makeup tests with the teachers, etc.. It wasn’t until I’d grown up that I realized how involved she’d been when she didn’t have to be, but I think I’m the better for it.
There’s definitely a difference between parenting like my mom’s and Buttenweiser’s versus completely overprotective and over-involved parenting: in other words, “indulgence” is relative. (A good example: One of my eighth grade classmate’s mothers petitioned successfully to get a Jack London short story off the reading list because it involved the death of a dog and would upset her daughter.)
Narratives like Buttenweiser’s seem to spring not just from parenting theories, but from a common theme in the ubiquitous Millennial trend pieces that have been popping up lately about the current generation of twenty-somethings: We’ve all been taught we were special snowflakes who could do anything we want thanks to our over-indulgent parents, we went to liberal arts colleges to pursue unrealistic dreams, now we’re jobless and moving back home with our parents, et cetera.
And it’s easy to sell a black-and-white idea like that, but nothing’s that simple. Like I said, I’m not a parent, but I can speak for the child; if my mother were more well-versed in “No” and pragmatic parenting, I highly doubt I would have gone to the college I went to, written for the places I have, or have anything approximating the career that I have now. Now I’m helping to support her financially, and she’s emotionally supported me through alcoholism even though I’m an adult in my mid-twenties who should be able to deal with things myself.
Is all of this indulgent? I don’t think so, but to some people, maybe. They’re not wrong, and neither am I. Buttenweiser’s not wrong, and neither was my mom. Short of abuse (obviously), I just think it’s an oversimplification to assume that one particular parenting style guarantees healthier or more well-adjusted kids.
‘Confessions of a Mother Who Couldn’t Say No’ [Motherlode/New York Times]
