Beckhams Expecting A Bouncing Bundle of Victoria Junior

CelebritiesDirt Bag

After suffering for years in a house full of boys and soccer balls and LA Galaxy clothing, Victoria Beckham will finally have the Spice Baby of her dreams.

Victoria Beckham is reportedly thrilled and is already planning on teaching her baby that true happiness lies in never smiling. [ONTD]
Jesse Eisenberg, who is literally Michael Cera, insists that he is not Michael Cera. Whatever, Jemichael Eisensera. [Contact Music]
Justin Bieber might crash SNL tonight. Dana Carvey will be hosting, and Linkin Park will be the musical guest. This week’s theme: Shitty! [MTV]
Gwyneth Paltrow will perform “Country Strong,” the year’s most unintentionally hilariously ironic song, at The Oscars. [Perez]
James Cameron and Johnny Depp are the top earners in Hollywood, because the world loves giant blue aliens doing it on a live action Lisa Frank folder. And pirates. [Digital Spy]
Helen Mirren learned French to get boys to like her, because being ridiculously hot and having a British accent isn’t enough and I will spend the rest of my life alone while Helen Mirren chats up all of my potential boyfriends in French. [Contact Music]
Natalie Portman feels like an old hag because she’s been working in Hollywood for 20 years, plus she’s a witch who eats children. []
Ricky Martin’s twin boys are like a hurricane. Hurricane Menudo. [Showbiz Spy]
Huge Ackman gave Oscar hosts Anne Hathaway and James Franco advice on hosting in the form of a 15 minute musical spectacular that left both Hathaway and Franco confused about Jackman’s sexuality. [Yahoo]
Lauren Conrad thinks her show is too fancy and high brow for MTV. I think that one can only take so many hours of Lauren Conrad raising her eyebrows and widening her eyes in response to tense situations before enough is enough. [HuffPo]
James Franco has been linked to a new Wizard of Oz-y project which promises to be both terrifying and arousing. [Digital Spy]
Tiffany Pollard, aka New York from Flavor of Love, is nearly unrecognizable (in a good way) in this photoshoot. It’s almost as though that time Pumpkin spat on her and then it got replayed 1209912948 times in slow-mo never happened. [ONTD]
Faith Hill didn’t mean to take six years off from music; she was too busy gazing lovingly into her husband’s cowboy hat and having her upper arms photoshopped on the covers of magazines. Time flies. [Showbiz Spy]
Charlie Sheen is even more frightening than you ever imagined. According to the adult film actress with whom the Two And A Half Horsemen of the Apocalypse star engaged in a 36-hour drug binge, Sheen has a mouth full of gold teeth. Just like the robber from Home Alone! Mackauley Culkin is the only one who can save us now. [Sun]
Slash would consider a Guns N’ Roses reunion if only becornrowed lead singer Axl Rose would apologize. I’d consider taking Guns N’ Roses seriously if only their band name didn’t sound like the 2002 prom theme in Wasilla, Alaska. []
Nickelback greeting cards exist.

Give one to someone constipated this Valentine’s Day.
Bruno Mars‘s plea deal on cocaine charges will allow him to get off without jail time. [Showbiz Spy]
Sarah Palin, who, in my opinion, belongs in Dirtbag because she is not a viable political official and thus doesn’t deserve serious political coverage, thinks America is going to H-E-double hockey mom sticks. Willfully ignorant famewhore has opinion! Let’s get our best think tanks on this! [Newser]
Wait a second. Did Miley Cyrus hook up with Amy Winehouse’s ex boyfriend? Unfortunately for Miley, talent is not an STD. [Showbiz Spy]
Obligatory Justin Bieber mention! He is rapping now. On the shitty rapper scale, I bet he’s somewhere between circa-Kazaam! Shaquille O’Neal and early Lil’ Romeo. Prove me wrong, Biebs. []

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