Booze Is Not Good For Your Skin

You know how when you drink a lot, your skin looks sort of sallow and mottled in the morning? Yeah, well, one bar offers cocktails that supposedly have the opposite effect. Skintoxicating!

At Provocateur, unnecessarily featured in the Times, patrons can drink fruity cocktails made with ingredients that purport to even skin tone, decrease acne, or remove wrinkles. Cocktail co-creator calls these ingredients “crystallines,” and says the cocktail menu is “radically innovative” and the bar owners are “true visionaries.” Of course, this doesn’t actually work. Frank Bruni of the Times checks with a dermatologist, who confirms what you probably know anyway, which is that alcohol basically dries your skin out and makes it look worse, no matter how much bullshit you put in it.

That doesn’t matter, though, because you can’t actually go to this bar. When Eater.com claimed there was only an 18% chance of a person getting in off the street, co-owner Michael Satsky said it was actually 0.05-0.15%. He continued,

If you can identify more than five civilians that have entered since we have been open, then I would be in awe. Please adjust your article.

I’m pretty sure those five civilians were quickly drained of their living essence, the most effective wrinkle cream of all.