Coachella Weekend 2: A Surprise Zendaya Performance and a Ghoulish Double Date

What do a retired billionaire, world’s most infamous mom-ager, and a 42-year-old sugar baby have in common? They all apparently…wanted to see Bad Bunny apologize to Harry Styles at Weekend 2 of Coachella?

Unfortunately, I am not entirely joking. Over the weekend, a slew of celebrities—albeit, a much smaller crowd who didn’t get the memo that Weekend 1 is when all the supreme spon-con hits—flooded the Coachella Valley for the festival’s second go around before packing up their wilting flower crowns for the year. Among them was a haunted quartet composed of none other than Kris Jenner, her boo Corey Gamble, Amazon founder Jeff Bezos, and his girlfriend Lauren Sanchez.

If you’ll recall from Sanchez’s birthday dinner and the nondescript brownie Bezos presented to her at the very small, not-billionaire-sized soiree, Sanchez is friendly with the Kardashian clan: Kris was at the celebration along with Kimberly. Now, it appears Kris has finagled a double date with a combined net worth so high they could’ve just bought out Coachella for a private Bad Bunny performance (the Puerto Rican singer is dating Kendall Jenner for reasons that remain unknown). Bezos sported a butterfly shirt buttoned all the way down, while Kris seemed to get high on the fact that her daughter is dating a Coachella headliner. THE CLOUT!

Off to the desert we go, again, to wax poetic about celebrities wearing expensive things with one in 10 odds of actually looking cool! Again!

The Euphoria star made the biggest surprise appearance of the weekend when she showed up during Labrinth’s set at the Mojave Tent. If you, like me, didn’t know Zendaya sang, it’s probably because she last released original music in 2013 with a self-titled album (and before that, Shake It Up: Made in Japan with Bella Thorne. Don’t ask.). More recently, though, she co-wrote “I’m Tired” and “All of Us” with Labrinth for Euphoria’s Seasons 1 and 2 soundtracks, and I am tickled pink that we got to see her perform them in a bubblegum corseted dress and these stiletto boots that I would love to borrow to step on some fuckboys.

...and Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sanchez. To imagine what Jeff Bezos and Kris Jenner might discuss during a Bad Bunny set makes me physically ill, but, for posterity’s sake, here are a few options. “What language is that man singing in? Mexican?” “How economically feasible is this festival, and how might we OPTIMIZE revenue streams if we were to buy the whole thing?” “Do you think we could get Bad Bunny in SKIMS onstage?” “We should leave our partners and create the most despised celebrity empire of all time, wouldn’t that be FUN (snickers in Evil Cartoon Character)?”

...and Kris Jenner and sugar baby Corey! TMZ spotted the foursome pulling up together in black SUVs behind the main stage Friday night. Sanchez wore a sequined miniskirt that made me feel as though I’d been unwillingly suctioned into a time warp and spat back out in 2007. Please, if you are going to be unspeakably rich, hire unspeakably expensive stylists.

The Riverdale actor is somehow making me crave Pepto Bismal? And lawn flamingos? Approved!

The singer is besting most of the mid men’s looks we saw over Weekend 1. The epitome of comfort and style!

Here we have Anderson .Paak’s alter ego DJ Pee Wee, who stopped by the Heineken House to play a set while looking like a groovy boxer. I’d hop in the ring with you if I don’t have to call you “DJ Pee Wee” IRL!

And here’s Albie from Season 2 of White Lotus being a very good boy producing spon-con! Remember what I said about mid men’s fashion? Yeah...

If you are a normal person, you probably know Maddie Ziegler as a Gen Z cool girl and Sia’s favored backup dancer. But if you are me, you know her as the breakout star from Dance Moms and a subject of Abby Lee Miller’s torture (I have a toxic parasocial relationship with Abby Lee, I’m sorry). Maddie made a surprise appearance with Sia during Labrinth’s set complete with the duo’s creepy bow shtick. Offstage, it looks like Maddie had a chance to be a normal VERY FAMOUS IT GIRL in low-waisted prairie skirts and cowboy boots.

Abel also made a surprise appearance (surprise appearances: very hot right now) during the Metro Boomin set at the Sahara tent. If you are not familiar with the Sahara tent, it’s where all the kids from your high school who once traded Plur bracelets congregate. The singer tweeted that the show’s pyrotechnics “ALMOST COOKED [HIM],” so a quick word of gratitude to the pyro operators for sparing the blessed one! The world would be short a lot of orgasms without this man’s voice!!!

As previously mentioned, here’s Sia forcing the world to respect the privacy of the windows into her soul. She joined Labrinth to sing “Thunderclouds” from the 2019 album Audio, a collaboration between Labrinth, Sia, and Diplo aka LSD (haha get it, drugs). I am almost convinced that that’s 80-year-old Betsey Johnson under there.