Coherent Adult President Speaks Sensical Words to American People for the First Time in 4 Years

While President Donald Trump has spent the last few days, nay the last five years, spouting nonsense conspiracy theories he got off Twitter, likely president-elect Joe Biden has addressed the American people and offered some sorely needed words of logic and sense about an election he is clearly winning and, more importantly, a virus that is currently ravaging us.

Though most experts, insiders, and people who can count have declared it mathematically impossible for Donald Trump to win a second term, the election will likely go into a fifth day of ballot counting, with no concession by Trump in sight. Addressing this meandering election and a sitting president who has indicated that he will not step down no matter what the votes say, Biden, in a speech from Wilmington, Delaware, said “The numbers tell a clear and convincing story. We’re going to win this election.”

“We’re going to win this race with a clear majority. We have gotten over 74 million votes, more than any pres ticket has ever gotten in the history of the United States of America.”

By contrast, Trump’s recent, rambling speeches remain focused on his own pride and perception of feeling slighted by a country where a majority of voters would not like him to be the president anymore, as well as his intention to drag this painful process on as long as he is allowed. Today, CNN reported that Trump “has no intention of conceding the election.”

Biden, on the other hand, addressed the covid-19 crisis rather than his feelings about it, along with the fact that America could be on track to see as many as 200,000 new cases of the virus—including, apparently, Trump’s own chief of staff Mark Meadows. Covid has already killed 230,000 Americans. Biden assured his hopefully-soon-to-be-constituents that he and potential Vice President Kamala Harris have spent their day in briefings with public health experts in order to prepare a day-one plan to help both sick Americans and those who have been left homeless and jobless by the poor economic response to covid-19. Trump, by contrast, has reportedly spent the last few days having a giant fucking titty baby wobbler in the white house.

“We’ll never be able to measure all that pain,” Biden said, speaking of the American people’s loss and not the president’s tantrum, before promising to try and “save a lot of lives in the months ahead.”

But while the comfort of actually having a leader who seems to care about dead Americans is refreshing after years of governance that seems to be actively trying to kill its constituents, perhaps the most comforting aspect of Biden’s talk was the absence of dog-whistling—there were no secret calls to Twitter conspiracy theorists or fascist phrasing to dig out of his words.

“We may be opponents but we’re not enemies,” Biden said. “We have to put the anger and the demonization behind us…I’ll work as hard for those who voted against me as I will for those who voted for me.”

Fuck, is this what a president sounds like? It’s been so long I can no longer remember.