Does Hovering Over the Toilet Seat Protect You From Ass Infections?

By Mark Shrayber | June 17, 2014 | 3:10pm

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Ass Infections are the deadliest and most dangerous types of infections behind Cooties. That’s why most public restrooms give you a barely usable toilet cover that always slides into the bowl as soon as you sit down. But is that cover really necessary? Must you hover over the toilet as if you were Kirby in one of his high-flying adventures? Only ScIeNcE* can answer that.

Here’s the short answer: No, you don’t need to hover. Stop it. Stop it right now. Do something with your life. Take a macrame class. Learn how to propel a gondola. Raise a hamster farm. Anything.

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Here’s the long answer: Bacteria is everywhere and the toilet in a public restroom probably has the least fecal matter on it in the room. Yes, probably even less than your cutting board at home. So you should probably ditch the throne of toilet paper you build every time you use the toilet at McDonald’s and just marry your ass to the cold hard plastic. Unless you’ve got open sores on your butt, you’ll be fine. Trust me, I’m a blogger!**

*This is how you spell science in cool-speak. You may not recognize it, but it’s the same word, only cooler and more fun. It went to France over the summer and came back knowing like three French words and now all the girls are into it and it can sit anywhere it wants in the lunch room. It also wears its keys on a sweet-ass mothafucking chain it bought at Spencer’s.

**This is the best comment from Youtube:

I had to hover one time. In a gas station and the men’s is taken. The lady said I could go into the women’s. “awesome” I said. It was coming out either way. As I opened the door I was shocked with horror. Whoever was previously in there shit everywhere. On the toilet the floor everywhere around and only half assed to clean it up. It didn’t matter. I had to go. Tried my best to hover over. After awhile my legs would start giving out. I thought I should tell the attendant about it but she prolly would have thought it was just me. I never went back to that Casey’s.

h/t: Tracy “Bathroom Scientist” Moore